I didn't quite catch that...

As part of Operation Big Day, several of my family schlepped all the way from Norn Iron to London in vehicles of their own. Which meant that I had an opportunity to politely encourage them to bring stuff over for me. In this instance, my own PC.

Yes, instead of using TLW‘s laptop, I now type this on my own desktop. Which is vastly preferable; big screens, sensible fan noise, and a properly sized keyboard that makes reassuring clicking noises with every key-press. Put simply, I am not really a fan of laptops and much prefer a decent desktop.

It also means that a properly usable archive of old emails and photos has arrived, resulting in a strange hour last evening when TLW and I sat going through a selection of emails that had gone between us over the majority of the last decade.

The upshot of this is that we’ve realised that a) we’re both incredibly dumb and b) we’re both rather blind. The flirting that went on in the middle of the naughties was clear for all to see, yet it took us several more years to catch on.

And now, I shall password protect all archives. Who knows what embarrassments might be dredged up…

Barely two weeks have passed since our own wedding, and yet this last weekend saw TLW & I heading to deepest, darkest Gloucestershire for the wedding of another friend.

Their venue was pretty special, but I think that the main thing I’ll remember was the mental banjo that accompanied all the travel round those parts.

Yes, the place may be less than three hours from London, but it definitely gave of an air of local… That said, some of those locals were busy pouring alcohol down the throats of us visiting townies, so I shouldn’t really complain too much.

A simple thing popped up on my facebook feed last evening:

TLW has decided she wants a kindle…

Now, those who know me would not be surprised to find out that I have tech-lust for the Kindle. It fills a little gap in my geek wardrobe – I’ve yet to find an easy way to carry enough books to keep me properly happy on a long flight. So that’s what I need.

So a fairly reasonable number of hours were spent, idly browsing Amazon and finding out that I could quite easily have spent several hundred pounds: his’n'hers Kindles, matching accessories and a number of books were sitting happily in my Amazon basket before I got a grip and realised that perhaps hundreds of pounds on geekware wouldn’t be sensible 13 days after a wedding…

So, I shall be without a Kindle. For now.

But only for now…

Many moons ago, when the identity of Black Stig came out (in a book, fittingly enough), said Stig was ejected from Top Gear in a sensible and fitting fashion.

They said that he drove off the front of HMS Invincible, and the last we saw of him was his glove floating on the top of the ocean.

Black Stig had been there for two seasons, and they borrowed the flagship of the Royal Navy to get rid of him. White Stig has been in place for 13 seasons – what will they have to do to get rid of him when his identity comes out?

I can’t wait to find out…

I am on record as being a fan of Ryanair. They may treat people like cattle, and their chief person may be a gigantic horses ass, but they are openly bastardish and they have done more than any other airline to bring prices down on the routes that I fly most.

Which is why I think that the people who are celebrating this decision are a) in the wrong and b) quite possibly buffoons.

Belfast City Airport has been there, doing its thing, for far longer people have been complaining about it. Back before relatively sensible passenger jets were using it in accordance with noise abatement procedures, freaking Canberras were doing it, and newly built planes of all shapes and sizes. And in recent years, Ryanair have been using it to bring much cheaper air travel to the city, in a more convenient place than Aldergrove.

Ryanair’s decision to fly into BHD saved me literally hundreds of pounds; they were consistently about a third cheaper than easyJet and the City was close enough that people were happier giving me regular lifts than they would have been if I’d been asking them to go twenty miles into the Antrim countryside. Also: Ryanair fly Boeings, which are just nicer aircraft than the Airbuses of easyJet.

I’ll admit that the noise was sometimes annoying, but Ryanair were far from the worst cuplrit (say hello to BMI’s A320s for that honour). My house in Belfast was on the flightpath, and on the outward leg I could often check that my car was appropriately parked outside the house. But be honest: no big city in the UK is without aircraft noise. It’s part of the cost of the world we live in, and it’s cheap at the price.

But the NIMBY brigade have won this round, and now we’re going to be left with easyJet (whose fares I expect to rise, because of the lack of competition), flyBe (who are by no definition a lowfares airline), BMI (who are at least honest about being expensive) and Aer Lingus (who fly to places I don’t want to go).

Brilliant. Giant steps backwards for the integration of NI into the wider world. Chalk up a big loss for us all…

It has been an occasional happening that TLW and I have gone to the cinema to see something that I had some hopes for but then was massively disappointed by, as the film turns out to be much more a TLW film than one I’d like. Twilight being the worst example.

More rarely, the opposite happens: we go to see a film and TLW is surprised by how much of a me film we’ve seen. Especially when it was expected that we’d be seeing a completely random indie film instead.

Such was the case this weekend, when Scott Pilgrim was the entertainment. I’ll confess, I had an inkling that I’d like it more that I let on, what with it being Edgar Wright being involved, and based upon comic books with computer game references.

TLW was, perhaps, expecting more traditional Michael Cera fare; more of the indie movies that he’s gained fame for. And there was certainly some of that, but more of the Wright influence was apparent – excellent attention to detail and geeky references to things I quite like.

So I ended up enjoying the movie from beginning to end, whereas TLW was perhaps more confused by some of it and entertained by the rest. I suspect, though, that during the many, many viewing of the movie that will happen in the marital home in the years to come, that she will learn to love it as much as I did.

In short: excellent geeky movie. Two thumbs up with a multiplayer bonus.

Sorry people. I know I’ve been quiet recently, but I think that I have a good excuse.    
   
It’s been a week now, and most of you have probably noticed some way that the artist formerly known as TLF has once more been upgraded, and is now known as TLW. I’ve tried to think up more funny acronyms, but the last thing I tried was to fit something in with “The BOSS” and it’s not gone well. So I thought that it was best to stick with the established formula.

Since some asked – and some didn’t – I would just like to say that a lovely day was had by both me and TLW, and I think that the others there enjoyed it as well. Food was eaten, drink was drunk and young children ran about the room making an all-round comedy nuisance of themselves. Which was nice, for it gave us alleged grown ups the excuse to act silly later in the evening.

Since then, my wife & I¹ have spent a few days in Paris, generally recharging our batteries and generally spoiling ourselves. Before getting back here and trying to piece together the mess that is our house and getting ready to go back to work. Which doesn’t bode well.

But, I must say, married life is pretty good thus far. I’m a fan.

–
¹ – I’m sure that the novelty of saying that will wear off in time, but it’s damn strange to be saying it now. Wives are things that grown ups have, and I’m far too young and daft to be considered a grown up…

That’s right, folks. If you can get there, maybe you can be a part of the biggest wedding to hit this particular blog since … ever.

Unfortunately, said wedding is scheduled for 1.30pm today in South East London. If you can make it to SE London an hour before this post is scheduled to be posted, then you’re more than welcome.

On the plus side, unless things have gone horribly wrong, then by now TLF has once more changed her acronym. Suggestions for a new internet name for the new Mrs Hillan are welcome.

While I sit writing this, this story seems funny; if in the meantime someone has died then the funny disappears. At the minute, though, the headlines write themselves.

Eighteen people have been hurt, four seriously injured, as a train derailed in a crash with a lorry on a level crossing in Suffolk.

The two-carriage diesel passenger train was in collision with the sewage tanker in Little Cornard, Sudbury, at about 1735 BST.

Yes, the train hit a truck full of shit.

Amuse yourselves with that.

This cult of less that the media keep banging on about: why would you?

I understand that people don’t particularly like the bills that go with a dwelling, or the cleaning that gets more complicated the more you own. But how and why would you want to give up on having a sense of home and stuff to fill it?

Personally, I like flicking through my piles of stuff and finding something I haven’t seen in a while. I like happening upon a book I’d forgotten I owned or a CD I hadn’t listened to in a year, and neither would be the same if I was just browsing a directory that I hadn’t opened in six months.

I’m also getting a bit stupidly house-proud – taking the blank canvas of my dwelling and adding bits and pieces is quite nice. Turning the garden from a jungle into something a bit more comfortable is also a good thing.

Why would you want to give that up and replace it with a couple of computers and a series of bills from Holiday Inn? I don’t get it…

Apparently comic heroes aren’t actually good role models. Unlike back in our day when they were all, y’know, hiding their true identity, beating the shit out of people, and being fawned over by pretty young stupid things.

That academics are actually expecting comic books to be positive role models shocks me. And that’s the only thing about this story that does.

Going out for nice, strong beers during the week is, apparently, no longer a smart move.

Getting old sucks. Just so you know.

The BBC is currently asking (in their usual rhetorical way) Why do we all use Qwerty keyboards?

There are many reasons. The development of it in the first place is there for a lot of reasons, but ever since it’s largely been inertia that’s been keeping it in place. The barriers to entry for any new keyboard design are massive, purely because of the amount of time people have spent learning to live with the layout and because of the number of keyboards out there.

But the biggest reason is because the only real widespread alternative that I’ve seen is the AZERTY. And it’s French. Do I need to say anything more?

Yes, I’m a few hours behind the rest of the world on this, but this guy has just showed the entire world how best to inform your employer that you aren’t exactly happy on any given day.

He immediately got on the plane’s PA system, declared “To the passenger who called me a motherfucker, fuck you”, and swiftly “activated the plane’s inflatable emergency slide, grabbed two beers from the galley, then slid down the chute”.

Slater made good his escape from the airport, but was later cuffed at his Queens residence and charged with “reckless endangerment and criminal mischief”.

Things that are excellent about this:

• The guy actually got to inform the person to blame in real time of their displeasure. A treat that most of us would be very unlikely to get a chance to do.
• Like anyone who’s on a plane regularly, he’s probably wondered if those slides and emergency exits actually worked. So he got to test that.
• Lifting a couple of beers – sheer genius.
• He then showed the world (again) that security at airports is almost entirely theatre. Another bonus.

Well done, fella. Have fun in court, though…

What to do when a newspaper photographer is banned from a football match, meaning that the local newspaper is faced with either having no photographs of a match or (likely expensive and needlessly flattering) official club photos?

Simple: go with the traditional two fingered salute and throw a few quid at a cartoonist. Who will then produce some most excellent 40s style Roy of the Rovers action for your publication.

Genius.

I must say, there is something extremely demotivating about work during August. It’s just too nice outside, the schools are out, half your co-workers are on holiday. And yet the normal work just keeps going on and on.

Frankly, I need a holiday.

Make it so, please.

How large scale exercises work in the UK: people are told in advance, policies are tested, and then everyone plays their part.

In Zimbabwe, however, they don’t seem to like doing things that way. In fact, they go entirely the other way.

There have been chaotic scenes at Zimbabwe’s Harare International Airport after a safety drill was mistaken for a real plane accident.

The BBC’s Brian Hungwe, at the airport, says he saw a large plume of smoke and helicopters over the runway.

Earlier, the Civil Aviation Authority head had confirmed to reporters that a plane had been involved in an accident.

But an aviation spokeswoman later told the BBC it was a drill, and that distressed “relatives” were “actors”.
…
David Chawota, Zimbabwe’s Civil Aviation Authority head, then began fielding phone calls about the incident.
…
He told Reuters: “I can confirm there has been an accident, but I cannot give details right now. I am not at the site, but there are just injuries, no deaths.”

But at a press conference at the airport later, he said this was part of the plan.

“Telling the media was part of the exercise. We wanted to see how the media would react,” AP news agency quoted him as saying.

I’ve seen one or two little emergencies at airports – single microlights overturning, that sort of thing. But it would be hugely interesting to see how something like this would actually happen here – would we be taken in, would we see through it, what would we do? Also: how badly would the government / airport authority be hauled over the coals for spending money like that on actors and scaring the shit out of people, and denying the papers the big story the very big story they wanted?

Or, of course, it could be that there was actually an accident and Zimbabwe just doesn’t want to admit it. Just a thought…

It takes a special kind of arrogance to think that a career in random music is just what it will take to fix a country. And that special kind of arrogance is what young Wyclef Jean has. By the bucketload.

Haitian-born musician Wyclef Jean has said he will run for president of the earthquake-hit Caribbean country.

The Fugees star will officially announce his candidacy on Larry King’s CNN show on Thursday, media reports say.

Poor Haiti. First of all, tortured by the French, secondly ruined by the march of time, thirdly utterly destroyed by the earthquake, and now possibly being shat on further by musicians.

Oh well. Better than politicians, I suppose…

I know that’s it’s not really fair to judge everyone by my standards; there are things about which I care for not a bit but which others are deeply worried by. And conversely there are things that the majority of people don’t give a shit about that I am really quite interested in.

An example of the latter is, obviously, helicopterage. I am really quite into knowing the ins and outs of helicopters, their capabilities and the rules surrounding them.

Which is why I read this story with a little bit of interest, a big bit of horror and a fair bit of admiration for the pilot.

A man has been sentenced to a year in prison for endangering the safety of an aircraft when he grabbed a helicopter as it took off in Bristol.

Bristol Crown Court was told Houshang Jafari, 58, became “extremely angry” after the helicopter landed near his flat, causing debris to hit his car.

The court heard how Jafari grabbed one of its skid bars as the pilot tried to take off with four passengers on board.

The pilot managed to take off safely despite Jafari’s actions last March.

I know that I know a little bit more about what would happen should this sort of thing go wrong, but seriously, is there anyone with half a brain that would think that any good could come of this? I can think of about three ways that any of this guy’s actions would have resulted in bits of metal being fired across the landscape at a high speed followed by a bit of a fireball. Plus, a quick glance at the picture suggests that the jackass attempted to drag the helicopter towards his prized Range Rover. Maybe a bit thick for a tycoon, d’ya think?

Question: do people think that Boris is the way he is deliberately, or is the madcap actually real? I tend to think that it’s real, but that he likes to be a bit mischievous knowing that people will let him away with it.

Hell, I think that most of us would like to get away with double-entendres like that on national TV. But very few people would be given the leeway that Boris is.