It bears repeating

I think that I may have posted this before, but I can’t be bothered checking. And the wisdom is true enough that it bears repeating.

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it’s only for £32.50.None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Can I be pig 3?

The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

‘I would like a Sprite,’ said the first little piggy.

‘I would like a Coke,’ said the second little piggy.

‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

‘I want a nice big steak,’ said the first piggy.

‘I would like the salad plate,’ said the second piggy.

‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

‘I want a banana split,’ said the first piggy.

‘I want a cheesecake,’ said the second piggy.

‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ exclaimed the third little piggy.

‘Pardon me for asking,’ said the waiter to the third little piggy,’

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?’

The third piggy says –

‘Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

pig.gif

I’d settle for this

I’m not really a fan of tattoos, so I can’t honestly say I’d be that keen on this one. But if I had to have one, I think this would be it…

from the inbox

Only because it’d be entirely hidden for at least the next three years, you understand.

Who’s teaching who?

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”
“Yes,” the class said.
“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”
A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

True genius

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry , walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. ‘I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?’

‘Tis odd, isn’t it?’ the man replies, ‘You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America , and the other to Australia We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.’ The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening.

He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, ‘Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all…

‘The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, ‘You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It’s just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.’

This entertained me. And not just because I’m easily entertained because of the few weeks without coffee. Roll on Easter so I can get some damn caffeine into my system…

So close to revenge perfection

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride’s and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8×10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests’ reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and
said, ‘F—you!’ Then he turned to his bride and said, ‘F— you!’

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, ‘I’m outta here.’

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the
charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge–making the bride’s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the
bride’s and best man’s reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard ‘priceless’ commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone’s face when they see the 8×10 glossy of the bride doing hanky panky with the best man: Priceless.

There are some things money can’t buy, for everything else there’s MASTERCARD

‘Life isn’t like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it’s more like a jar of Jalapenos–what you do today, might burn you tomorrow……’

Man, the guy was so close. He could have been legend; he could have elevated his status far beyond that of mortal men.

He could, and should, at the very least, have toasted the happy couple.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: The Bride and Best man!
Now to hell with the pair of them, I’m away to the bar and you’re all welcome to join me. Her da is buying.”

It’s the way it should have happened…

… and then they took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

Cheap, simple jokes that take advantage of people’s gullibility, or their unfamiliarity with something, are great, aren’t they?

And they’ve survived the transition to an ‘information economy’ rather well, too. One of my early favourites involved taking a screen dump of the desktop, setting it the desktop background and then hiding all the icons so that the next user swore blind that they the computer was broken. This, of course, worked best in Windows 3.11, before the damn dedicated windows key became widespread.

And one of my co-workers fell victim to something similar just t’other day, upon opening an email with a strange attachment.

from the inbox

Faced with a swearing popup that she couldn’t get rid of, what did she do? Take a couple of minutes to notice that it was naught but a GIF, that’s what she did…

Prescriptions for the masses

Medical advice I think we could all get on board with:

The traditional, wives’ tale approach to medicine.

Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day,go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often.
If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor’s approach.

Think about it…

When you go for a shot, what do they do first?

They clean your arm with alcohol…

Why?

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.

So…….

I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona…(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh….(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)

The way I see it…

If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germscan’t get you!

As a wise old woman used to say: ‘A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!’

Horrible racialists

Quick question: if someone who is not in anyway a racialist sends you the following:

An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”

“Without numbers?” The Irishman says, “Dat is easy.” And proceeds to draw three trees.

“What’s this?” the boss asks?

“Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,” says the Irishman.

“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. “Ere you go.”

The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”

“Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.”

The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”

The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere you go. One hundred.”

The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, “A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.”

“So, when do I start?”

How nasty is it to try and guilt trip them about their racialism, when they clearly don’t have any?

Why yes, I was bored at the time of receiving the email. Why do you ask?

Parenting, by the parented

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

Confidence is everything

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

Always have a couple of both about the place, just in case…

FAKE FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
REAL FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.
FAKE FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
REAL FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying “Damn we fucked up.but that shit was fun!”
FAKE FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
REAL FRIENDS: Keep your shit so long they forget its yours.
FAKE FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Could write a book about you with direct quotes from you.
FAKE FRIENDS: Are for a while.
REAL FRIENDS: Are for life.
FAKE FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you’ve had enough.
REAL FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say “Bitch drink the rest of that you know we don’t waste.”
FAKE FRIENDS: Will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Will knock them the fuck out.

Updated for the modern era

To quote from Humph:

Though many of these rhymes may appear to us today to be little more than nonsense, they are in fact full of useful tips for the age in which they were written; one such rhyme for example is a stern warning against the consequences of placing sleeping babies in the upper branches of trees during windy weather. Another paints a disturbing picture of domestic life in a shoe for a single parent with too many children.

And lo and behold, a set of updated rhymes appeared in the ol’ email inbox. For your delectation, please to click on the more

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Clearly not the new caring, sharing sort

Belfast Police v London Lawyer

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Belfast copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education than any Paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Belfast cop’s expense!!

The Belfast cop says,” License and registration, please.”

The London Lawyer says, “What for?”

The Belfast cop says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

The London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

The Belfast cop says, “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”

The London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

The Belfast cop says, “The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

The London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

The Belfast cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Belfast cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living daylights out of the lawyer and says, “Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?”