I didn't quite catch that...

I’ll level with you, people from Jersey worry me more every day…

Jersey?s Advice in the event of a Radiological Accident!!!!

Do

Do keep tuned into Local Radio and Channel Television.
Do Keep Calm and Stay Indoors.
Do Keep Animals Undercover.

Do Not

DO NOT go outside until you are told it is safe to do so. Everything will look quiet normal – you will not see, smell or feel anything different. But don?t be fooled STAY INDOORS.
DO NOT fetch your children if they are at School unless you are instructed to do so. They will be safer where they are under cover.
DO NOT use any vegetables or fruit from your garden. Use only food already in your home.
DO NOT use rainwater, the mains supply should be quiet safe, if its not you will be told by radio or television.

Obviously the rumours are not true: –

People don?t glow green like you would have thought.
Jersey water is not supplied from rainwater but from some unknown source or is treated for radioactive polution daily just in case.
All Jersey buildings are built to repel radioactive rays.
There is not a bunker in the island you have access too.

The consultancy bill for this information probably cost the Island Several million Pounds too.

Do they really think Islanders are really that stupid?

i’m messing about a bit with the front page of the ‘blog. Basicially, the permalinks haven’t been working, and I’m trying to sort it. So if anyone notices any more problems with them, drop me a line.

This has been a Public service Announcement, brought to you, in no part, by Slim Shady.

:: how jedi are you? ::

Ah-ha! Another excuse to utter the immortal words:

Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death I shall fear no Evil, because I’m the meanest motherfucker in the Valley…

Did I ever mention that Samuel L. rocks?

Just went for a wander through the DUP Cartoon archives. I forgot how strange those people were…

Also found at Crimson Cow:

On the day when religion called time
They wrote us in stone when they buried our bones
Where we all became known in our prime

So come down to the scene of the crime

I guess we’re celebrities now
Cos they’ve used all our names on a poster campaign
But they’ve promised to search high and low

There’s no suspect as far as we know

They said good could keep evil at bay
Where the preacher would scream of rhetorical dreams
Where they listened to speeches all day

Where they held a memorial in May

A bloodied cadaver called Ray
Used to live with his wife round our way
They’ve kinda lost touch cos he drank far too much

But he won’t touch a drop from today

As he twisted about on the ground
His limbs were still flapping but no one was clapping
Used to dance as if wired for sound

Some charming young barman in town

There was a young lady from Cork
Who drank on her way home from work
When they zipped the bag shut, she was bloodless and cut

As if skewered by prongs from a fork

As we all fell about on the floor
He screamed and he muttered, his little friend stuttered
No one chattered or drank anymore

As the coffin door shut with a roar

A man of age twenty or more
Hovered quietly out by the door
He entered the place with a big woolly face

And we all fell about on the floor

On a cold day at twenty past three
We were there as we tended to be
When the messenger came, shot us clean through the brain

And went home on the bus for his tea

We lived in utopian grey
In a place that keeps demons at bay
Where we drowned all our sorrows in thousands of swallows

Till we swore it would kill us one day

Cheerful, I know, but quite interesting. I’ve never heard a limerick about brutal death before.

Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death I shall fear no Evil, because I’m the meanest motherfucker in the Valley…

Immature? Check
Purile? Check
Totally meaningless? Check

But no matter how many times I read it, it always makes me smile.
Because I imagine it read in the style of Ian Paisley.

Read most recently at Crimson Cow.

The US Navy may have a UAV to play with in the near future. Apparently, Northrop Grumman have tested their Pegasus drone, and it all went to plan.

Sorry, this just appeals to the techno-geek in me. It’s been too long since Tom Clancy had a decent book out…

When people like this try to represent Ireland on the world stage, is it any wonder people take the piss?

Some Irish accent humour:

• Arbitrator \ar’-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at
  McDonald’s.
• Avoidable \uh-voy’-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.
• Baloney \buh-lo’-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
• Bernadette \burn’-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.
• Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
• Eclipse \i-klips’\: What an English barber does for a living.
• Eyedropper \i’-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
• Heroes \hee’-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.
• Left Bank \left’ bangk’\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
• Paradox \par’-u-doks\: Two physicians.
• Pharmacist \farm’-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.
• Primate \pri’-mat\: Removing your husband from in front of the TV.
• Relief \ree-leef’\: What trees do in the spring
• Rubberneck \rub’-er-nek\: What you do to relax your wife.
• Seamstress \seem’-stres\: Describes 200 pounds in a size two.
• Selfish \sel’-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store does.
• Subdued \sub-dood’\: A guy that works on one of those submarines.

If you don’t get it, try saying it aloud. Preferably where someone will hear you. And if you think that I’m being unfair, can I point out that someone tricked me into saying “Roger Moore reads the Mirror in a Power Shower” (which apparently sounds wrong in a NIrish accent). In a computer lab. With about 20 people in it.

Credit to Ray, who runs a very worrying site here.

And the debate about Columbia goes on. Now the inquiry board is learning that NASA knew something was wrong a few days into the mission. But, really what could they do? The supplies in the ISS couldn’t have lasted them too long, so staying there was out. They couldn’t bail out. So they had to try it. And they did.

This article annoys me. Do they mention that we broke up a good half-dozen fights in that evening and administered first aid to the injured. Does it fuck. Does it mention the fact that Crowd Safety did a good job? Hell no. All because the Boar wants to be sensationalist and pick a fight with us and campus security.

Cheers guys. Way to be impartial.

From A Small Victory. The woman’s madder than I thought…

… is found here. Credit to Seldo.

Apparently, the White House occassionally spins the truth.

Next up: the Pope is, in fact, Catholic.

No proper updates today; the connection I’m using at the minute is refusing to show *.php files, so I can’t acess the site properly. Bugger.

From Eddie Wall’s gallery.

Another thing you could play with: this image.

The blogger does not necessarily agree with all of the sentiments expressed in these images… like anyone cares.

I just had a lecture with one of the strangest men ever. His all time heroes: Codd, Carroll, Shakespeare, Mozart, Beethoven and, naturally, himself. An odd set of heroes (don’t get him started on the logic of having himself in it).

But, anyway, according to him, we should climb the Askew Wall, into Relationland. Avoiding the Nasty Noxious Nulls. All in all, a very weird man.

The Washington Post’s Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter
it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

Intaxication

Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation

Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy

Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti

Vandalism spray painted very, very high.

Sarchasm

The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

Inoculatte

To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis

Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis

A degenerate disease (this one got extra credit).

Karmageddon

It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

Glibido

All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect

The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Ignoranus

A person who’s both stupid and an ahole.

From SCI.

How many students does it take to change a light bulb at…

• Aberystwyth: None – Most of them are still sleeping in the basketball court following housing shortages.
• St. Andrews: Three – One to call the butler and two to arrange a tailor in Rome to design and make new suits for the special occasion. If a light bulb in a major building blows then increase to 27 to allow for a brass band playing the last post and five Sun reporters. The following days Sun will contain something along the lines of “Will’s Pals in Blown Bulb Horror”.
• Aston: None – And stay down, they shoot at the lights, that’s why the last one went.
• Bath: Seven – Five to form a radical new initiative called ‘TeamBulb Focus’, one to make a public announcement stating “A successful environment is not about pushing yourself to the absolute limit” and one to change the light bulb before it’s actually blown.
• Birmingham: Nine – One to steal a new bulb from the back of a shop, two for the wheelmen and six to go shoot out all the light bulbs in some Aston student houses.
• Brighton: Two if the bulb is in a female dorm, but sixteen if it is in a male dorm – 5 to make a big deal out of the incident, 10 to calm those 5 down, and one to run and fetch some girls to change the bulb.
• Bristol: The whole farm – Mam and Pa scratch their heads quizzically wondering why they just had light and now they don’t, lil’ Joseph to take the truck to the city to find out whas’ going on!
• Cambridge: Three – one to mix the martinis, one to call the electrician and one to call daddy to pay for the bill.
• Coventry: Two – One to take the bulb out and another to glass a random stranger’s face with it.
• DeMontfort: Seven – Two to change the bulb and five to write an interpretive modern drama about the experience.
• Essex: Five – One to change it, one to hold her handbag whilst she changes it, one to make sure her thong is in clear view of all the surrounding men, and two to leer loudly at passers by, tempting them to “av a look at dis!”
• Glasgow: None of your f”cking business!
• Imperial: Eight – It’s not that one isn’t smart enough to do it, it’s just that they’re all violently twitching from too much stress to achieve coordinated movement alone.
• Leeds: Three – One to change it and two to find a way to get high off the old bulb.
• Leicester: Four – One to change the bulb and three to complain bitterly that it wouldn’t have been allowed to happen at Oxbridge, so please give us some funding. Please.
• Liverpool: Only one, but he gets 10 course credits for doing it.
• London School of Economics: Eighty-four – As follows: 2 People – Preliminary discussion of concept change. 1 Person – Devise and write formal bulb architecture. 2 People – Feasibility study and timetable of events. 2 People – Research existing business methods used throughout the illuminations industry. 1 Person – Maintain ISO standards throughout the analysis. 4 People – Commonality task force on bulb change. 15 People – Change bulb. 5 People – Perform bulb functional test. 2 People – Perform bulb load test. 3 People – Perform bulb financial value regression test. 1 Person – Perform bulb performance analysis. 1 Person – Perform bulb bottleneck analysis. 1 Person – Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility). 1 Person – Report to Utilities Commission. 1 Person – Research from accepted user database. (Did they want incandescent when we only supply non-tuneable fluorescent point product?) 5 People – Perform full compatibility/architecture study. 3 People – Ensure form (round/square, clear/frosted) follows function (wattage, 120/140 volts, visible/ultraviolet, flashing, flood/spot). 3 People – Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already (!?) existing, successful, and profitable socket (bulb-in-one). 5 People – Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary alternative bulb socket. 10 People – Determine how to perform bulb change product split 1 Person – Interface with Utilities Commission quality assurance group. 1 Person – Interview local distribution centres to obtain statistics on light bulb usage around London. 1 Person – Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system. 1 Person – Review problems with BPR system. 11 People – Write a full report justifying the expenses outlined above, and explaining how the six month lead time on research delivery was marginally less than expected. 1 Person – Receive all credit for entire activity and also huge grant from local businesses. This person has to be a lecturer or post-grad.
• Loughborough: 2 engineers – 1 to change said light bulb, 1 to bitch as to why there are no women at loughborough to do it for them, or, 370 sports science students as they can never be separated from one another
• Manchester: One – Though it remains unchanged until someone sobers up enough to realise that the bulb’s blown, then he nicks his flatmate’s.
• Newcastle: Eight – One to find a red ‘Fireglow’ bulb, one to mount it near the window and the other six to wait inside.
• Oxford: An entire college house, but only one of them is sober enough to figure out what to do with it, and he subsequently is cellophane-wrapped naked to a street lamp.
• Oxford Brookes: Five – One to take the bulb out and four to stick their fingers in the socket.
• Paisley: Between three and ten, depending on how far through the term it is, to club together their remaining funds to purchase a new light bulb.
• Plymouth: Six – One to change it and five to campaign to make light bulb changing a new degree subject.
• Pontypridd: Ten – One to buy the light bulb and nine to petition for the eventual electrification of Pontypridd.
• Reading: Three – One to pull the bulb out and two to complain when the socket and ceiling come down with it through dry rot.
• UCL: Two – One to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as an Oxbridge student.
• UMIST: Five – One to design a nuclear powered light bulb that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Greater Manchester using said light bulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.
• UNL: Nobody Knows – The light bulbs stay at North London University longer than the students.
• Warwick: Seventy Six – One to change the light bulb, fifty to protest the light bulb’s right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter protest allowing for permissible change in light bulbs, as long as the light bulbs accept it.
• York: Three – One to change the bulb and one to check his maths coursework (?)

The worrying thing is that they got Warwick‘s Union politics exactly right…