I didn't quite catch that...

Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?

And why not? bender spends all his time scamming people and drinking… a worthy pursuit, methingks.

Not the best day ever. Not only did Ireland not win in the rugby, we were absolutely massacred. And then I failed in my 42 point challenge. I only managed about 36. And, Chez, how was it that the Scots did? Or was it the French?

Bill, over at Eject! Eject! Eject!, has produced another fine essay: History. I suggest you take the time to read it; it’s well worth it.

Again, from the Straight Dope message board, here’s a bizarre Monty Python/LotR hybrid:

FRODO: ?What do you want??
STRIDER: ?A little more caution from you; that is no mere trinket you carry.?
FRODO: ?I carry nothing!?
STRIDER: ?Indeed. I can avoid being seen if I wish, but to become invisible! That is a rare gift.?
FRODO: ?Who are you??
STRIDER: ?Are you frightened??
FRODO: ?What? Of course I?m frightened! Egad, I wasn?t expecting Sauron?s Inquisition!?

WHOOSH!!! (Cut to four ringwraiths bursting into a room)

RINGWRAITH #1: ?Nobody expects Lord Sauron?s Inquisition! Our weapons are surprise… surprise and fear… fear and surprise… Our two weapons are fear, and surprise, and ruthless efficiency… our THREE weapons are fear, and surprise, and ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to Sauron… ah! AMONGST our weapons are fear, surprise, ru- …amongst our WEAPONRY are such elements as fear… oh, forget it, we?ll come in again.?

(Ringwraiths exit; cut to Frodo back in Strider?s room)

FRODO: (sounding bored) ?I didn?t expect Sauron?s Inquisition.?

WHOOSH!!! (Cut back to same four ringwraiths bursting into a room)

RINGWRAITH #1: ?NNNNNNobody expects Lord Sauron?s Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to Sauron and… ugh! It?s no good! (to Ringwraith #2) You?ll have to say it.?
RINGWRAITH #2: ?What me??
RINGWRAITH #1: ?Never mind! Okay! Our weapons are fear, surprise, and blah-blah-blah-blah-blah… now read the charges!?
RINGWRAITH #3: ?One pound for a full sketch, 25p for a quickie.?
RINGWRAITH #1: ?What?ll you have??
RINGWRAITH #4: ?Um… they?re not here. These are just pillows!?
RINGWRAITHS: ?SCREEEEEEEEEEECCHH!!!!?

So Strider led the Hobbits through the stinking, festering swamplands as far as the eye can see, and over the river and through the woods to Elrond?s house they went, though Frodo took a shot in the arm from a ringwraith for his trouble. Eventually, Arwen showed up to help get Frodo and the Ring to her father.

SAMWISE: ?Hey! My dear man!?
ARWEN: ?Elf!?
SAMWISE: ?Elf… Sorry. Where are you taking him? Those wraiths are still out there!?
ARWEN: ?I?ve got breasts.?
SAMWISE: ?What??
ARWEN: ?I?ve got breasts. I?m a maiden, not a man.?
SAMWISE: ?Well I can?t just call you ?elf.??
ARWEN: ?You could say ?Arwen.??
SAMWISE: ?I didn?t know you were called Arwen.?
ARWEN: ?Well, you didn?t bother to ask, did you??
ARAGORN: ?I?ll go on ahead with Frodo. You stay with the Hobbits… he did say ?sorry? about the ?man,? but without a substantial rack, from the side you look like…?
ARWEN: ?What I object to is you automatically treating me like an inferior.?
ARAGORN: ?Well I am king.?
ARWEN: ?Oh, king eh? Very nice. And how?d you get that, eh? By exploiting Gondor! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma, which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society; a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes…
ARAGORN: ?Oh, there you go bringing class into it again! And isn?t Elrond your lord??
ARWEN: ?No! We?re an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week…?
ARAGORN: ?Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!?
MERRY: (turns to Arwen in disbelief) ?Order, eh? Who does he think he is??
ARAGORN: ?I am your king,?
MERRY: ?Well, I didn?t vote for you.?
ARAGORN: ?You don?t vote for kings.?
MERRY: ?How?d you become king, then??
ARAGORN: (with a distant, faraway look) ?Gilraen, my mother, entrusted my care to the elves and bestowed upon me the shards of Narsil, signifying by right of birth that I, Aragorn, was to carry it. That is why I am your king.?
ARWEN: ?Listen, single mothers on welfare distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not some farcical Oedipus complex!?
ARAGORN: ?Be quiet!?
ARWEN: ?I mean, you can?t expect to wield supreme executive power just because your unwed mother threw a sword at you.?
ARAGORN: ?Shut up! Will you shut up?!?!?
ARWEN: ?If I went around saying I was an empress just because some bastard-bearing bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they?d put me away!?
ARAGORN: ?You know, if I marry you, you?ll be queen.?
ARWEN: ?Oh, in that case, off I go! See you soon, honey!?

And, of course, it wouldn’t be Python without a little bit of song…

MEMBERS OF THE FELLOWSHIP

(To the tune of ?Knights of the Round Table?)
We?re members of the Fellowship!
With Frodo, he?s a mellow dip
We eat up scenes with travel schemes
And snow like white marshmallow-whip!
We cannot get over Car-ad-hras
With Saruman blocking the *&^%$#ing pass!

We?re members of the Fellowship!
Old Bo… romir?s… a yellow git!
In Moria, In Khazad-d?m
Poor Gimli does his bellow bit!
The goblins launch attacks on us!
They try to smash and hack on us!

In war we?re tough and able!
Quite in-de-fat-i-gable!
When Gandalf downs the Balrog clown
It still can turn the tables!
Poor old Gandalf, you cannot win!
?Fly… you… fools…! I?m… falling innn…!?
And so the Fellowship continued on to Lothl?rien. Legolas may not have had the heart to tell you what the song of lament was for Gandalf because, for him, the grief was still to near, but here it is in full translation:

GANDALD MITHRANDIR

(To the tune of ?Henry Kissinger?)
Gandalf Mithrandir,
How I?m missin? ya!
You?re the wizard of my dreams!

With your wooden staff,
And your hearty laugh,
And your funny half-
Wit schemes!

All right, so it would seem you bit the dust
But you had nicer legs than Arwen
And just as big a bust

Gandalf Mithrandir,
How I?m missin? ya
And wishing you were here!

What can I say? I really don’t like the guy. Credit goes to Eddie.

News is now comming out about what the special forces guys are doing in Iraq. We’ve been hearing about the Australian SAS for days now, and US Navy SEALs were in action, with a camera crew in tow, early on as well. A couple of airfields in the west of Iraq were snatched as well, presumably by special forces. But now, finally, we’re hearing about what the SAS and the SBS are doing. And what they’re doing is kicking ass. Which is nice. I still think that the Royal Irish should be used in cities rather than the Desert Rats, what with them being one of the most experienced urban units in the world, but, as I’ve said before, I’m not a general, so it ain’t up to me.

First, there was The Site With No Name. Then there was Ebaumsworld. Then there was Liquid Generation. And now there’s another one: Home Star Runner. So many flash games, so little time…

A company has been set up, here in Northern Ireland, with the aim of keeping land out of the hands of catholics. They word it as ‘nationalist’, but seeing as how it’s aimed at Orangemen (whose stated aim is to maintain the Protestant ascendancy, I’d guess that they mean catholic. How very 21st century of them.

… I found this:

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “In Tray”
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors”.
7. Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the prophecy.”
8. Don’t use any punctuation marks.
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”.
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream “I won!”, “I won!” “3rd time this week!!!!!”
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot,yelling “run for your lives, they’re loose!!”
19. Tell your children over dinner. “due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”

Ah, the old ones are the best.

US forces in Iraq are buying clay and rocks to build airstrips. Yes, I did say buying. With US Dollars. Which have an value far higher than the local currency. So local people are becomming very rich. Which is nice.

This post caught my eye. The one with the ’75 reasons why being a bloke is good. I’ll summarise a couple of my favourite points:

• The world is your urinal.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
• You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
• Homer Simpson makes perfect sense.
• Your eyes can remain open when you step on the scale.

Amen, brother.

When you get full marks in the BBC’s 7 days quiz, you know you’re watching too much news.

Because it’s funny. To my mind, anyway.

I had a chat yesterday with what I can only describe as a Wise Man. Very smart, very articulate, very well read, very world wise. And he opposed the war, and argued the point with me about it. Now, this is something I hadn’t experienced recently; someone who could come up with logical arguements and reasonable alternatives. He didn’t mention ‘blood for oil’, he didn’t use the word ‘warmonger’. He critized the UN and the methods and motives of the French. He had upmost respect for Blair, but wasn’t the biggest Bush fan. I’m not the biggest Bush fan either; I also have (grudging) respect for Blair. I was astounded: this man could actually do better than every anti-war protestor I’ve seen recently.

Of course, as in any situation like this, I didn’t change his mind and he didn’t change mine. We agreed that the ‘anti-war’ movement had been fatally damaged by the extremists that had hijacked it. We agreed that Blair was risking everything for what was very little political gain. We agreed that the war should be short and with as little bloodshed as possible. We then went our seperate ways.

The point is this: what would have happened if the anti-war movement hadn’t been hijacked? What if the speakers at the anti-war rallies had been reasonable, articulate, and persuasive instead of being lead by the Honourable Member for Baghdad south? What if…

And I’ve decided that I’m not going to use the phrase ‘pro-war’. I don’t like the idea of being for bloodshed. I’m now going to use ‘anti-Saddam’ instead. Makes me feel better.

After finding the graphic in the previous post, I went for a little wander around the Onion, and I found my horoscope for the next week:

Taurus: (April. 20?May 20)
It’s not the hammer of life that’s going to beat you down this week, but the hammer of Gene Dubrowski, a local roofer.

Which is blatent lies. I live in a very small town, and I don’t recall hearing about any ‘Gene Dubrowski’. The must have me mistaken for someone else…

Trust the Onion to be balanced and informative about the war. I’ll still read it, of course, because it’s funny.

A lot of American blogs are complaining about the attitude of the BBC, specificially, their slant on the war. As far as I can tell, the BBC’s slant is this: war, generally, is bad. People comming home in body bags is, on the whole, bad. However, this war has been sanctioned by Parliament, and we are there. Lets do the reporting, and try and be fair (i.e. sometimes, question people about what they tell us).

This seems to be upsetting the Americans. But then, they’re used to a diet of Fox News, which is so blatently biased towards the incumbent President that it is painful to watch.

Is how a US soldier described last night’s battle south of Baghdad. I’m assuming Martin Sheen wasn’t there, what with him being all pacifist and all. And Laurence Fishbourne probably wasn’t there. And they couldn’t fit Brando onto the plane, so he couldn’t go anywhere. And surfing opportunities in the middle of Iraq are few and far between. And so on.

Apart from that, exactly like Apocalypse Now.

The US is moving the troops that were supposed to be deployed into the north of Iraq through Turkey. They haven’t said where they’ll be deployed through yet, but they are heading into Iraq. The troops are equipped with the most modern battlefield information exchange system devised, which, it is hoped, will allow “unprecedented awareness of events as they unfold on the battlefield”. What are the odds that ‘friendly fire’ incidents will still occur? If a target appears, what are the odds that you’re going to have time to check what the computer says before the opportunity to hit it has passed? Technology can’t solve all the problems, no matter what Tom Clancy says.