I didn't quite catch that...

Red Meat by Max Cannon

Go read. Go read now.

1. Page yourself over the intercom/radio. Don’t disguise your voice.
2. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “Thats a good point Sparky”, “No, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha”.
3. Send an email to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you’re doing. For example: “If anybody needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”
4. Hi-lite our shoes, and tell people that you don’t lose them as much since you did so.
5. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
6. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
7. Send email back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask them to settle the disagreement.
8. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
9. Put your bin on your desk and label it “IN”.
10. Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

Andrew Sullivan drew my attention to this article. Personally, I have to say that I find a few things in it disturbing. Yes, the whoe gist of it is worrying (basicially, if you don’t agree with the president, you won’t get within sight of him and you can’t really protest against him). How is a President supposed to keep touch with reality (let alone the pulse of the people) if he only sees people agreeing with him?

The other thing that annoys me about this article is the attitude of Christine Mains. I’m sorry, but I have no time for the kind of people who bring their five year old child to a protest and then start annoying the cops. Yes, you may have a legitimate protest, but if you know that there is any chance of you being arrested, leave you child with someone else. And definately don’t go using them as an excuse or a plea, such as screeching “che’s only five years old!” when you’re arrested and she isn’t.

And to other thing about Ms Mains. The article states that she “goes limp as the cuffs go on”. What people don’t realise is in may US states this constitutes resisting arrest, as much as punching a cop does. And of course, it really makes it easier to move you; it is so much easier to carry someone if they’re limp than if they’re actively resisting. Unless of course they’re something like 20 stone weight. In which case you bring the patrol car to them, and not the other way round.

Check out the guy in the center-back of this photo. Agree or not with his policies, yuo’ve got to admire the brazen cheek needed to do it.

Hat-tip to Give War A Chance.

According to this quiz, if everyone was like me, we’d need 3.6 planets. This is going by me living in Leamington. However, when I’m at home (with exactly the same answers, we’d need 5.1. Because it’s a well known fact that people in NIreland need much more room than those in the midlands, of course. I seem to see some minor discrepancies creeping into the calculations.

And, anyway, imagine what we could do with those 5.1 planets… Planet 1 could be drinking. Planet 2 could be sleeping. Planet 3 could be lazing about not doing much. Planet 4 could be lazing about with a purpose (that is as close to work as I’m going). Planet 5 would be support for the rest- I wouldn’t visit much. And the 0.1 could be for the people who made up the quiz and the people who insist on telling me that I’m evil for eating meat and having running water.

Frank J is very funny. I’ve said it before, and I’ll probably say it again. Go read. Or if you’re too lazy, try reading from this selection:

“I am powerful.”

“Are not.”

“Are so!” Bush yelled, rising out of his seat.

The kid just stuck his tongue out.

“I’ll show you!” Bush shouted, grabbing a nearby globe, “I’ll just pick a country and bomb it.”

“Whatever,” the kid said dismissively.

“Don’t do this, George!” Laura warned.

Bush spun the globe and then stopped it with his finger. “The United States! I’ll bomb the… oh, better spin again.” He spun the globe once more and stopped it. “Hmm… I don’t know how to say this one, but I can’t just spell it for them,” he said as he took out his cell phone. “Hey, I want you to bomb a country spelled K-Y-R-Y-G-Z-stan… Just do it… I don’t have to give you a reason why…” Bush looked to the kid with a haughty expression, “I’m the president.”

Laura just shook her head.

Bush turned on a T.V. that was at the corner of the room. “After the success of the Iraqi war, a new era of peace is spreading through the Middle East,” the news anchor said, “Experts say democracy will soon flourish and… This just in. The U.S. has launched an unprovoked attack against Kyrygzstan. Who knows what diplomatic damage this will do to the U.S. and to how it is viewed around the world. It could take years to repair…”

Bush turned off the T.V. “Told ya!” he said, and then stuck his tongue out at the kid.

“So what does someone have to do to become president?” the teacher asked, trying to take control again of the class.

“I think it helps if your father was president,” Bush said, sitting back down, “and better make sure your stupid brother doesn’t mess up the voting in his state.”

“Could I one day be president?” asked a boy.

“No, you’re too fat.”

“George!” Laura yelled, hitting Bush on the head.

“Uh… I mean, if you work really hard, you could become president, despite your tubbiness.”

Last night, I had what I thought was a very strange dream. I kept hearing that American forces were being pulled out of Saudi Arabia and that Rumsfeld had gone on TV saying that unless the Saudis stopped exporting rampant Islamism they would be invaded by American forces stationed in Iraq. Then the dream moved on to a story about some British special forces guys that had treked across Iraq after they had been ambushed by Iraqi forces. This was when I realised that this was a dream; the ‘special forces trek across desert’ was so last Gulf War.

But, oddly enough, it wasn’t. The US is pulling out of Saudi, and some special forces guys did trek across Iraq. However, rumours of Rumsfeld declaring war on Saudi Arabia remain baseless.

So what does this mean for my (frankly worrying) mental state? Well, I’ve got a few suggestions:

• I should probably stop listening to news radio at night. It’s getting worked into my dreams, and that can’t be good.
• Related to the above, I should probably figure out some way to sleep more soundly, so that things aren’t as easily worked into dreams.
• I spend too much time chasing news stories.
• I don’t trust certain members of the current US administration.

Of course, I’m not going to do anything about this, but I found it disturbing interesting.

Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk

• Indubitably
• Innovatice
• Preliminary
• Proliferation
• Cinnamon

Things that are very difficult to say when you’re drunk

• Specificity
• British Constitution
• Passive-agressive disorder
• Loquacious Transubstantiate

Things that are downright impossible to say when you’re drunk

• Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex
• Nope, no more booze for me
• Sorry, but you’re really not my type
• Good evening officer, isn’t it lovley out tonight
• Oh, I just couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing!

Bill Whittle has gone and produced another fine essay, Victory. I want everyone to go away and read it now. And then think about it.

Some people have been arriving here using some very strange searches. For example, someone came by the other day looking for Aldegrove; how I ended up as the second result when someone searches for NIrelands main airport is beyond me. Another one was psycology social agression. Why did I end up as first search result for that? Another classic: we didnt start the fire definitions. Again, I got the top result for no discernable reason- Google didn’t even quote the relevant text, they just had me as the top result.

However, the most disturbing, by a long way, goes to result of tit enlargements gone wrong. How that came anywhere near my site is beyond me. I’m sure I’d remember writing about breast enlargement surgery going wrong…

It just gets better and better. So far I’ve had a good day. Then Man U beat Spurs. Leaving a five point gap between us and Arsenal. With Charlton and Everton left to play (the Londoners face Leeds, Southhampton and Sunderland), this means that the title is ours to lose. Doesn’t mean we won’t lose it, of course, but it is ours to lose.

den Beste was, apparently, the one who started the recent trend to remove the option of posting public comments on weblogs. I’m sure it had been done before, but his is the hame I hear mentioned. And now Bill Whittle has done it, saying that people have been abusing the ability to post without being revealed as the author of the post. Now, Bill is a writer that I have a lot of time for. Some of his pieces are truely amazing (see History to get an idea). I’ve had a few interesting debates in his comments sections, and I’m sorry to see them go.

Another one to disable the comments is Harry. I’d only blogrolled Harry a short time ago, but I’d been lloking forward to having the same sort of debates there. Oh well. At least i won’t be having the same problems here…

Somethings really aren’t fair. A guy leaves his home, goes to foreign lands and spots a huge flaw in the locality: there wasn’t a single bar. So he fixes the oversight. So the story so far: guy leaves Ireland, an island blighted by terrorism and opens a bar. Then what happens? The bar is closed (temporarily) because of the threat of terrorism. Can’t a guy get a break?

Have you ever just had a day where everything seems to go well? I seem to be in the middle of one. First off, instead of having to get a taxi back from work last night (around 3am, so actually today not yesterday), my (slightly tipsy) housemate left me her car to drive home. Which was very nice.

Then, with no alarm set and no planning at all, I woke up at 12:25, to hear on my radio (I am a news junkie; my radio is on all night just incase something huge happens and I might miss it) that the Old Firm Derby was about to start. And it was a fantastic game, and Celtic won, and all was good in the world.

And then it was decided that tonight would be comedy night. Also a good thing.

And then I went outside, to find the sun shining and the weather behaving, and all was well.

Then I got on the bus, and, suprisingly for this time on a Sunday, there was someone I knew on it, and we had a very pleasant discussion about the benefits of alcoholism, and resolved to enjoy said ism at some point in the near future. Again, a good thing.

And now the footie is on again, so while I catch up on several days email, I’ll have a box in the corner of the screen updating me. All good.

Now this episode of the BOFH intrigues me. The relevant part is:

“What a Warwickism!” I cry.

“Warwickism?” The Boss asks.

“Yes,” The PFY responds helpfully. “You know, an outrageous pseudo- technical statement made to support an illusion of technical competence.”

Ladies and gentlemen, I want to know. Is this a slight against Warwick? Is it too close to the truth for comfort? Or it is referring to another, totally unconnected Warwick, that is untainted by our beloved septic tank university? Answers on a postcard to the usual address. Or, if you’re too lazy, you could try using the comments.

I know I’ve probably linked this to death, but, feck the lot of ya, I still find it funny. And through it, I found this. Lord of tje Rings as CNN or BBC 24 would cover it.

Anchorman: “In the next half hour?War Prompts a Bearish Market at the Beorning Stock Exchange?Baggins Senior Denies He Should Have Destroyed Ring First Time Round?Galadriel Proposes New Middle Earth Peace Plan?but now more rolling news on the war in Middle Earth from our correspondents. We start on the plains of Rohan?Bill can you hear me?”

Bill: “Yes I can?I?m here with the 3rd Rohan Heavy Cavalry and we?re pushing ahead through Uruqhi territory at great pace now. There have been reports of a major battle at Helms Deep that we are not yet able to confirm, with Allied forces talking of a ?significant defeat?of an entire enemy army. Saruman has appeared live on Palantir TV to deny this and say that Uruqhi losses had been ?light?and that the Rohirrim will be crushed in the ?eldest daughter of all battles? I might also add that during the fighting there HAS been evidence of Uruqhi use of Weapons of Mass Destruction, namely the Big Spikey Exploding Things specifically outlawed in the last Istari Council meeting.”

… of a barrel being scraped. We’ve had Celebrity Big Brother, I’m a tosspot, throw me out of here, et cetera, but now they’re making a Celebrity Alcatraz. Now, I’m not 100% on this, but didn’t Alcatraz have an execution chamber? Hows about we change the rules a bit. If you get voted out, you have to walk the Green Mile. And we get to watch it live on tv. Hmmm. Tasty chargrilled celeb. I think that the BOFH would be proud.

I can now reveal the real reason that the allies won the war so quickly: psycologicial warfare. And Charlize Theron.