I didn't quite catch that...

Fact.

And el Reg is there with the scoop.

A Japanese man died after a bite from his pet hamster caused anaphylactic shock, Mainichi Shimbun reports. Ther nameless forty-something succumbed after repeated bites from the animal sensitised his immune system to such a degree that the final mouthful provoked a fatal bout of asthma.

Let that be a lesson to everyone: nature is out to get you. Best destroy it before it destroy’s you.

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Incidentially, what with The Register being an IT orientated publication, they felt the need to headline the above story thusly:

I like.

Bah. Someone blurted out who the gay character in The Simpsons is going to be. To spare you the annoyance, I’ll put it in the [more] bit. So, click if you want to know.

More »

Headline news from the beeb: Swedish MPs in Superman name row

Swedish MPs are calling for legislation on babies’ names to be changed after a Gothenburg woman was refused permission to call her son Staalman (or Superman).

The parents wanted their son to be named after the cartoon superhero, because he was born with one arm pointing upwards – as Superman flies.

Local tax authorities refused the request, saying the name could lead to the boy being ridiculed in later life.

But MPs say the law is inconsistent as the names Tarzan or Batman are allowed.

Personally, I’d say that the law has no place regulating the names of children. That said, however, the stupid woman needs to be taken round the back and beaten upside the head with a wet trout. What kind of life is a child called “Superman” going to have? 2:1 on, he’d be thrown off a roof in school to see if he could fly.

And that reason? “he was born with one arm pointing upwards – as Superman flies. ” Stupid, stupid, stupid people.

The way to deal with this, I think, is to get the government’s nose out of it, but let the child sue the parents for cruelty as soon as they can talk. Either that, or give them fifteen minutes with aforesaid wet trout, and no liability for damage caused to stupid parents.

I like “all day” training sessions. Out the front door at 9.15, back in by 3. And a full day’s pay for it. Genius.

The training session itself was “Advanced Egg Sucking”, so it wasn’t terribly challenging. And it was me, the trainer (voice like nails on a blackboard, not terribly nice), a pregnant woman and two mothers. So the conversation was, as you can guess, riveting.

But, hey. Only another two days of training to go. That’s four days of training in the last, oh, four work days. For anyone who’s been keeping score.

With the wonderful advances in technology, we are only getting closer to the day when no parent will forget their child in a car.

Of course, some would say that if you have to rely on technology to make sure you don’t inadvertantly bake your child, then you’re already beyond the boundaries of “safe to be around children”.

Credit to Acidman for the link.

I dunno if I mentioned it here, but I was wary of ManU signing Rooney. I thought that the money would have been much better spent in defence. I thought that the whole affair stank of shady dealings by agents. I thought, basicially, that we didn’t need him.

I’m still not sure if we need him, but if he keeps on playing like he did tonight, then it was money well spent.

Six goals? In a Champions League game? Brilliant. A hat-trick on his debut? Brilliant.

Sure, there were defensive lapses, but there were still six goals. And they were all good (van Nistleroy’s was fantastic). Once we get the defence sorted out, then we’ll be sucking diesel. Roll on full fitness for the squal, that’s what I say.

Arsehole, twat, moron, theiving git, do-gooding, fuck face

Spy-in-the-sky system could detect speeding drivers, says UU

Satellite-based spy-in-the-sky systems may soon be used in the UK to catch speeding drivers, a University of Ulster transport and traffic expert has claimed.
Professor Alan Woodside, Director of the Transport and Road Assessment Centre (TRAC) at the University of Ulster, said that all new vehicles in Britain would have Global Positioning System (GPS) devices within five years – many haulage companies already use the system to keep track of their vehicles.
If introduced across the UK, a GPS system would avoid problems caused by the recent introduction of congestion charging in London, where cameras record car numberplates as they enter the inner city. That system has cut congestion, but there is evidence that it had encouraged more people drive to suburban shopping centres instead.

Well, there’s a thought. You are NOT putting a spy box in any car of mine. You are NOT morally judging me because I use my car WHEN I FUCKING WANT TO. You are NOT better than me because you have decided that we’re all mindless sheep who are too stupid to be trusted with the cars we’ve paid for, paid road tax for, paid VAT on, paid fuel duty on. It is NOT your place to plan for a carefree, car-less future where the only transport is provided by state regulated buses.

However he said he wasn’t bothered by fears of a ‘Big Brother’ system tracking everyone’s movements.
“You will always get people who want freedom of movement, but there is also a cost,” he said.

Yes, you fucking muppet, there are always people who HAVE A GODDAMN RIGHT TO FREEDOM OF MOVEMENT and if you try and interfere with it, on your head be it.

“Sustainability is thinking of the children of the future, not just thinking of self. You can’t just live for yourself and think someone else will worry about the congestion and the pollution and the wear and tear on the roads that you cause.”

WE PAY FOR IT, ASSHOLE! Unless you think fuel duty and road tax is spent on tofu.

We don’t want to hear that you deserve to make the decisions for us because you have an agenda that doesn’t make room for OUR choices and decisions, OUR free will and OUR freedom of movement.

Fucking twat.

From the work email:

OFFICE TIDYING ” PURGE HOUR ”
**** ** September from **** to ****

It has been decided to arrange another “Purge Hour” in order to raise the standard of office tidiness throughout *****. As on previous occasions, work should be suspended to give staff an opportunity to undertake a tidy-up operation and all staff are asked to co-operate fully.

Action:

All staff should arrange to suspend normal work activity for the hour between **** and **** and use the time to tidy the rooms in which they work. The primary aim is to make the “visible” areas more presentable, but “non-visible” areas such as desk drawers and filing cabinets should not be neglected, and areas such as notice boards, etc. should be looked at as well.

Methinks an inspection of some kind is on the cards. Maybe a Big Boss is turning up or something.

As heard on the news yesterday:

King size chocolate bars face axe

So, the chocolate companies are going to give into pressure and stop producing king size chocolate bars. Well, that’s a bun of a sitch. Bloody do-gooders, working hard to reduce the enjoyment of the rest of us because they can’t cope with the choice of fattening chocolate or not.

Bastards.

Yay! More winnage for Rubenio. A fantastic race, with the skill and technology that sets Ferrari apart on clear display.

What Schumaker was at, though, I’m not sure. The spins were impressive, though.

So, apparently Luton is the worst town in the UK. No suprises there, really.

Also not suprising, Portadown was the worst place in NIreland, and 22nd overall. Belfast was 48th overall. So Portadown was punching above it’s weight while Belfast is about where I’d put it. Still, a place with about 2% of the population of the UK has two places in the top 50. A good performance from us, I think.

Boo! No Portadown News today (so far), so I have to make do with Pure Derry. Not the best edition so far, but it does have a couple of gems in the sidebar:

DERRY’S journalists look back with a fond eye on their week’s work, happy in the knowledge they’ve done their best and surpassed the already high bench mark they set week in, week out.

JESUS delivers judgement day press conference in Strand Rd; “Not to worry!” his only message to maiden city. Strabane later destroyed.

PARALYMPICS found to have both the feel good glow of the Special Olympics, and the satisfyingly ruthless competitiveness of the real olympics. Everyone thus delighted.

JOHN HUME spends whole day opening bags of crisps for the elderly. “I did it for one person, and suddenly a big queue started to form. I only did what anyone else would have. For 9 hours.”

I like. Especially the third one. Cruel, but good.

An easy way to annoy me: let me be the only one of three who turns up for their alloted shift at work. So there was me, with two doors and an internal area to cover. I didn’t like. So I stole a couple of people from other venues, like, and it was all good in the end. Even got a free pint for me trouble, so that was a small compensation.

There is something else that annoys me. And it is henceforth banned, for all eternity. It is now not allowed for 17 year old female chavs to attempt to flirt with me. Especially when lines like “You’re so much nicer than my boy. He’s 25, you know…” FUCK OFF SMALL CRAZY CHILDREN AND STOP BOTHERING ME WITH YOUR TALES OF SICK, SICK MEN!

And breathe…

It’s OK, ladies and gentlemen. United won. There’s a grand prix in five hours, and Rubinio is on pole. So there is justice in the world, on two counts.

Well I finally got around to watching Shaun of the Dead. Apparently it’s a RomComZom flick, i.e., Romantic Comedy with Zombies. I think that it would have been improved with a bit less of the Rom and more of the Com, but that’s just me.

‘Tis good. Many good one-liners*, many good sequences**, fit women, gunplay, and zombies.

What’s not to like?

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* – A recurring theme: “Don’t forget to kill Philip!”, followed later by ” Kill the Queen! “. I like.

** – The record throwing was good, plus the whole bit with the not noticing early on.

UPDATE: Shaun of the Dead is probably the best DVD ever. Comic strips, plot holes explained, zombie-lonley-heart videos, plus what you get on every other DVD on the market. I like.

Visit this. Read point 8.

8. Britain has more than twice as many managers (12%-14%) as France or Germany (5%-6%) due to the trend in “up-titling” – inflating an employee’s job title in lieu of a pay rise. For example, train guards are now often called train managers.

Over managered? In the UK? Surely not. Not from my experience, anyway. Like Warwick, where my “command structure” started at the General Manager (who had a job to do), and ended with the Security Manager (who had a job to do). Between them there were eight hundred and seventy two managers, ranging from Business Development to Tea Kitty Manager. All of whom had a tiny area of responsibility and who covered it up by holding constant meetings.

Honest. Eight hundred and seventy two of them.

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. “In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple andsaid, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”

“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the couple.

“Because I’m the guy who painted it,” he replied. “In fact, there’s no African-Americans depicted at all. They’re just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.”

From the inbox, via Beave.

Should I be concerned when a picture like this arrives in the inbox from an ex?

Nah? Good. Truth be told, it was buried in the middle of a group of pictures sent to a large group of people. but still, not a happy vibe I’m getting here…

Well, someone’s playing silly buggers. Closing rail lines, and the main road into Belfast from the East. Just not clever.

And just to emphasise how delicate the mass transport network is over here, an example. This morning I was heading in from the country, so there was much coverage of motorway miles. And at one section in the middle of it, traffic just stopped. And I spent the next 20 minutes covering about 2 miles. A couple of police cars went flying by in the hard shoulder, and that sort of thing. Then it just opened up again, and we got to see what had been causing it. It was a small sum:

(1xLand Rover Discovery)+(1xToyota Corolla)
———————————————————————- = Dented bumper.
         Same space

And that was it. One dented bumper added 18 minutes to my journey. Bugger.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is an official plea, on behalf of all the people of this Island.

Please, please, please, don’t listen to this guy. He is not representative of us. And I’ll tell you why.

When I was one of the legion of Irish abroad, a couple of taunts were thrown at me; people were of the opinion that anyone who went abroad and spent all their time singing the praises of their own country, and slandering their host nation, was generally a twat. Someone like young Dermot (above), who leave their own country, and whinge about their own and their host nations must be very twatish.

In Dermot’s case, I think that he left Ireland because

1. He’s a twat, first off.
2. He thought that Ireland was too small, closed and corrupt for his tastes.
3. He thought that Ireland is a tad right wing for his tastes.
4. He firmly believes that the US is far too right wing for his tastes.
5. He is confused about his location in time and space; he thinks he is in Germany in 1936.

A couple of quotes:

The time has come for the European Union to grow some balls and offer political asylum to those Americans who want to live in a civilised society. If Bush wins in November (which I hope he does) there will be a fantastic opportunity for the EU to admit a huge influx of sane-Americans: the best the country has to offer. Sane-Americans who won’t have to live in fear of the Department of HomeReich Security, the FBI, CIA, DIA, DOD, ATF, DOS, NSC, DOJ, IRS, INS, TSA, FEMA, GOP, KKK, SSA, GWB, etc. etc. etc.

Well, what state in the EU is less invasive to it’s own citizens? Except maybe the smaller ones, who would be if they could afford to be? You think that organisations like GSG-9, DGSE, MI5 are just after school clubs?

Why pay ONE MORE CENT of tax that’s only going to be sucked into a soulless and unaccountable military that finds it acceptable to drop missiles into Iraqi neighborhoods, and then to refer to the dead civilians as ”collateral damage”?

Good call. Because you could come over here, pay more tax, and have less say over what it’s spent on. Genius.

I’ve received a surprising number of requests from U.S. readers asking about the possibility of moving to Ireland/Europe. I’ve never been more thankful to be an Irish citizen – I don’t think I could sleep as easily without the knowledge that I can move home whenever I feel like it.

I keep my passport under my pillow at night, along with my gun, my porn mags and my bottle of Vodka.

It’s funny – thirteen years ago I couldn’t wait to leave soggy, smelly Ireland – I looked forward to life in America. What a young fool I was! Now I dream of getting out: to Ireland, France, Germany, Italy, Canada, Iran, Australia, wherever. The scales have fallen from my eyes. Time to learn French, Italian and German.

You want to leave the US? I can’t see the TSB getting in your way. And Ireland, France, Germany, Italy would all welcome you with open arms if you waved that passport at them. That passport which you keep beside a gun that you would be imprisoned for owning in any of those countries.

And the one that really annoys me?

I grew up against the background noise of Northern Ireland. The daily news showered us with vicious, spiteful Northern Protestants, and their inevitable counterparts, the murdering thugs of the IRA and INLA. The loathing, venom and hatred that pours from America towards liberals (never mind the people of the Middle East) puts the Northern conflict in the shade.

The fuck you say! Because liberals are being firebombed, shot, beaten and tortured all over the US! Will wearing a Berkley sweater get you beaten to within an inch of your life in the centre of a shopping centre in broad daylight while no-one goes to your aid? Are you really that stupid, blind and jingoistic? You think that a new war will break out, with the republiKKKans against the sane people? Jesus. I am ashamed, sir, to say that you were on this rock at the same time as me. Now fuck off , wither, and die.

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* – This happened all the time in Belfast to people who made the mistake of wearing football shirts that were the wrong colour. Happened to a mate of mine from school, because of his school uniform.

Anyone know of a way to listen again to anything on Jo Whiley’s show? There was something on todays that I think I misheard, and I want to hear it again. About 1hr 14 into it, me thinks.

I know that you can listen to Moyles again, and any of the specialist shows, but there doesn’t seem to be any way to catch daytime show again. Boo.