I didn't quite catch that...

There’s a thread over at NoR about favourite race cars. In theory, I’d go for the F1 cars, but, lets be honest, a WRC car would be a) more fun, b) more practical, and c) more open to this quote.

Well I?d go with a rally car. The peformance on nasty road surfaces, the speed and power, the reliability, but most of all the ability to come up behind a Volkwagen Bettle at a stop sign, turn on all the driving lights and cook the little fucker.

Terry Pratchett. The man is great. Not only will he spend his time taking the piss out of cats, writing many, many books, doing a lot of shit to placate his fans, and basicially being a great all round bloke, he’s only gone and had a pop at JK Rowling.

He also expressed surprise at Rowling’s comments that she only realised Harry Potter was fantasy after the first book was published.

“I’m not the world’s greatest expert,” he wrote.

“But I would have thought that the wizards, witches, trolls, unicorns, hidden worlds, jumping chocolate frogs, owl mail, magic food, ghosts, broomsticks and spells would have given her a clue?”

Another thing that annoyed me about yon interview:

In a recent interview with Time magazine, Rowling said she was “not a huge fan of fantasy” and was trying to “subvert” the genre.

The magazine also said Rowling reinvented fantasy fiction, which was previously stuck in “an idealised, romanticised, pseudofeudal world, where knights and ladies morris-dance to Greensleeves”.

Forgive me, but if I’m going to read a fantasy book, then I’m going to prefer one where the state isn’t all powerful and people still have a little bit of freedom. Ie, the old style fantasy, not this whole Potter-verse. But that’s the ramblings of a right-wing nut job.

So, it appears that we’re staying. Which is nice, because I quite like the money on a regular basis.

In other random news, we had a bit of a celeb in at work last night as well. Naming no names, or anything, we shall just refer to her as Mamantha Sumba. Not as good looking in real life as on TV, but then who is?

Also went for coffee yesterday with some of the “Northern Ireland Blogerati”: marc, Stephen, Carrie, and of course, the most important of the lot, Rónán. Speaking of which, has society yet come up with a correct way of averting one’s eyes when a month old baby gets hungry?

Politics at work. I just want to be able to turn up of an evening, do my job, and get paid. Is that too much to ask.

Actually, yes. Because part of the deal seems to be constant worry about: who owes what to whom; they-jumped-no-they-were-pushed; well-if-it-isn’t-sorted-you’ll-all-be-pushed; well-if-it-isn’t-sorted-we’ll-all-jump; fuck you; no FUCK YOU; no FUCK YOU; blah blah blah.

I long for the simple door politics of the union. At least then you knew who your friends were and what was actually happening.

So, the PAT did something sensible when they shot down the ‘deferred success’ nonsense. That must have used up their quote of ‘smart’, because they’ve gone and spouted more crap.

Parents who fail to deal with their children’s bad behaviour at school should be punished, teachers say.

Errr, how? You going to take out the metre stick and give them a wallop round the head? Make them do lines? How about telling them to run round the playing field ten times? Schools can’t even punish kids these days, so how the hell do you plan on punishing parents?

Don’t answer that, I already know what they’re thinking. They’re thinking “central government to the rescue”, because that’s always the answer. “The government should do something!” they’ll say. It’ll be fantastic, won’t it, because government involvement always improves the situation. Don’t it?

On a somewhat related note, have a gander at this.

Church schools ‘a year ahead’

Pupils at faith schools are about one year ahead of those at general state schools, a study suggests.

Analysis of national tests scores of pupils in one London borough back up the findings of other recent studies.

Suggestions for the differences are varied: pupils backgrounds, parents choices, blah blah blah. They’re neglecting something though: religious schools are more answerable than local authority ones, which means that they have to be better. There’s more incentive if budgets can be affected by the parents than if the budgets comes no matter what results pupils get.

Then it gets into that vicious cycle: better results means more people want to go, which means that the places are more prized, which means that expulsion means something, which means more discipline, which means better results, etc etc etc.

That’s my theory, anyway.

Thinking too fast

A bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can’t place where he might know her from, so he says, “Sorry do you know me?”

She replies “I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children !”

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, “Christ!” he says “are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse!?”

No she replies coldly,”I’m your sons’ English Teacher”

Found over at Free Market Fairy Tales:

All in very bad taste, and I’m guessing that it’s all photoshopped anyway. But hey, there you go.

Status of the “deferred success” proposal: success deferred.

No, really.

Congratulations go to Mr Ian Pringle, for this quote:

“We’ll be ridiculed. Please do not vote for this motion.”

Common Sense? From a conference delegate? Surely not…

So, following from the bird flying again, it’s been grounded again.

There’s a growing consensus that the shuttle should be scrapped and replaced by something new. Which I’m all for. The shuttle is too expensive, too inflexible, tainted in the eyes of the public, and now it’s unsafe. It can’t go very far. It’s out of date. We can do better.

In technology, that’s all that matters. If we can do better, then by God we should be doing better. The technology exists. Why the fuck haven’t we got it up and running yet?

It’s just a shame for the shuttle. It does look mighty good, don’t it?

As may have been mentioned, I listen to the radio in the office. Generally Radio1. And, if you know a) what time it is and b) the Radio1 schedule, you’ll know that Jo Whiley is on at the minute. And, a few minutes ago, she played Fatboy Slim’s “Praise You”. Which always puts me on a bit of a downer.

Not because it’s a sad song, because it’s not. Not because it has a depressing video, because it doesn’t. Not because it reflects any major change in my life, because it doesn’t.

It’s because of a fucking TV show.

Which is annoying, to say the least.

A flashback, if you’ll indulge me. It was the summer of 1999, I was waiting for my A-level results and thusly I was waiting to find out if and where I’d be going to uni. I was working a couple of days a week, but there was much free time during the day. And a lot some of this was spent in front of the TV. One show that I got quite into was Suddenly Susan, because it tended to be on as I got out of bed, and because Brooke Shields was hot. So I was following the show.

It was fairly mindless crap. But one episode sticks in my mind, because it was, quite simply, the best tribute I’ve ever seen in a TV show. One of the actors (David Strickland) had committed suicide, and a hastily written tribute was put together, where Strickland’s character, Todd, went missing. He’d been due to go to a Fatboy Slim concert, and the plot of the show was basicially the rest of the characters getting on with a normal day, while looking for Todd. Strickland’s favourite tune was Praise You, and this was played anytime that Todd being missing was mentioned. The episode ended with Susan getting a phone call from the police saying that Todd had been in an accident.

It sounds clumsy. And it probably was. But it’s now six years later, and I remember the guy every time I hear that tune. Which I think is the point.

So, yesterday, I made the long and arduous trip from Belshaft out to the ol’ homestead. And, along the way, I met several vehicles moving in the other direction. Large vehicles. Painted white. With reflective strips and blue lights on the roof. Half a dozen PSNI Land Rovers, to be more precise. One of which was escorting one of yon big white trucks with high power hoses on the roof. And they were all heading towards Belfast.

Which I thought was odd: surely the cops would be thinking of deploying them round Ballymena, as the situation is a little delicate there.

Unless they’re going to deal with something related to mobs taking over estates and the like.

Or, of course, it could all just be an administrative move rather than an operational move. I dunno.

I really didn’t know that this was the case.

So he was convicted, and that conviction was upheld on the subsequent appeal. Summer event time is upon us again, so do be careful even if you think that you are on private land – there could be a nasty surprise in store.

Yet again, the law is clear: what you do on your own land is no longer your business. It’s the state’s. Isn’t that reassuring. In that special ‘not reassuring at all’ kind of way.

Before it descended into a thread about shoe fixations, there was a comment over at Marc’s linking to an article on JK Rowling. And about her Harry Potter series of books.

Now, as you may know, I’m a reluctant fan of said series of books. Reluctant because I don’t like the writing style, I don’t like the society in the book, and I don’t like the way that Potter fans will constantly see other books stealing from Potter, despite being published before (ie, have a search for ‘potter’ here). I’m a fan because the story is actually very gripping. And it’s OK, there’s only one more book to go before I can leave it behind.

Anyway. What really annoys me
[mild spoilers below the more]
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Via IMAO:

I am 20% Hippie.

What? Am I a Republican? Why did I even bother taken this test?! I guess I?ll back to my George W. Bush fan club and tell them I just wasted 10 minutes of my life. At least I don?t stink, man.

Take the
Hippie Test
@ FualiDotCom

Ah, the hippiness is weak with this one.

Dear BBC,

Please keep up the good work you have been doing recently on the comedy front. Now, I don’t mean Extras, because Mr Gervais is too overrated and I don’t intend to watch that show. I don’t even mean Mr Clarkson asking kids to explain the concept of selling sperm to buy a supercar. No, I mean this.

?42,500 bottle of water snatched

A thirsty thief is being blamed for downing a bottle of water, valued at ?42,500, at a literary festival.

The two-litre clear plastic bottle containing melted ice from the Antarctic was devised to highlight global warming by artist Wayne Hill.

Where to begin with this, Mr BBC? Well, let’s start with the headline. ?42,500, it was worth, right? Says who?

Its value was worked out by the artist from the damage worldwide of the entire ice sheet melting – he estimates between ?6 trillion and ?9 trillion – and the relative amount of damage from two litres of water.

Oh, the artist. That’s nice. No conflict of interest there, then. And, lets be honest, there is a little bit of difference between ?6,000,000,000,000 and ?9,000,000,000,000. Plus, it’s all based on hippy global climate change factoids.

But that’s not even the bit that got me giggling. Oh no. Round these here parts, there’s a saying:
Disinclined to be arty? I disagree with the general point, but I will say that we?ll call a steaming pile of shite a steaming pile of shite, no matter what interpretation is put on it by an artist.
Basicially, I think that something doesn?t count as art if you have to be told that it?s art.

And what better illustration than this?

He said: “It looked like an ordinary bottle of water. But it was on a plinth, labelled, described and in the programme of the whole festival.”

But… but… but… it was on a plinth! And labelled! What kind of monster would desecrate such an important work of art! Even if it was impossible to tell the difference between it and a bottle of River Rock.

But at least the artist got his wish.

He said “The concept is to take something as dangerous as that and to bring it immediately into somebody’s presence.”

Well, lets be honest, you can’t get much closer to somebody’s presence than you can on a trip through their digestive tract, do you?

So, thank you, BBC. You have brought comedy back into Tuesday evenings.

Yours Sincerely,

E Hillan

You know, if you asked anyone in the english speaking world to name the nation which was most uptight about sex, most of them would say the English. There’s still that whole ‘stiff upper lip’ view of them, despite them being at it like rabbits and having the highest teen pregnancy rate in Europe. Affairs are no longer career ending (unfortunately, in the case of several politicians). English society has, like the rest of the world, realised that sex is there, and that, in the age of AIDS, it’s probably best to admit that sex is there.

The US however… man, they seem nuts.

Look at the whole thing with San Andreas. Politicians were happy enough to let it go when it was merely cop killing, mass murder, gambling, drug dealing, gang warfare, carjacking, shooting the US Marines, crashing planes, racketeering, prostitution and alluding to sex.

Now that it’s no longer alluding to sex but actually showing CLOTHED, FICTIONAL COMPUTER CHARACTERS GETTIN’ IT ON? Sweet jeebus, best be holding congressional inquiries into that. Can’t let the kids see people shagging, can we? Sure, we can let them go out and shoot cops, but if we tell them that boys and girls sometimes get some action, the whole world will end.

Nuts. Absolutely nuts.

Yes, I know it’s thirty year old technology. Yes, I know it can’t do what it was designed to. Yes, I know that it’s a huge waste of time, effort, and money.

Still puts a big grin on my face when I see it fly, though.

From el Reg:

Notorious Russian spammer Vardan Kushnir was found bludgeoned to death in his Moscow apartment on Sunday. He was killed by repeated blows to the+ head, Russian news agency Interfax reports.

Not much in the way of details about the who, what or why of the case. But it should please those who ain’t fans of spam.

UPDATE: From el Reg’s letters page.

From his Obituary -

Well known for his gratuitously enlarged anatomy, low cost pharmaceuticals, low interest rates and ability to stay solid in every situation.

He is survived by hot teen nymphomaniacs, sexy MILFs and the widow of the Nigerian finance minister.

Cheers, Shayne

Comic genius.

I just don’t get the mindset of people who do this sort of thing.

Stone throwers have attacked the out-of-hours GP centre at the Mater Hospital in north Belfast.

A doctor’s arm was cut when a gang of youths attacked the centre on the Crumlin Road.

(For those unfamiliar with this area, the GP centre is right across the road from the Mater, which has a bit of a reputation. )

You know, I didn’t think my opinion of people could sink lower than attacking firemen and ambulance crews. Glad to see I was wrong.

So, the plan is for these wonderful ID card thingies to be wirelessly enabled, is it? That will be fantabulous.

What is the range of an RFID chip, you ask? well, anywhere from a coupld of inches out to maybe 90 feet. So, let’s check something here. Assume that we’re looking at that maximum range, and that it’s uniform (ie, makes a circle). So, radius is 90ft, or approx 30m. Area covered is πx30x30= ~2,000 m². Assume that on a busy street, every person gets a square metre. Someone with the right gear could thusly check the IDs of over two thousand people, instantly. Sounds encouraging.

Obviously, more encouraging would be the possible future applications. Based upon the events of recent weeks, would it be too unreasonable to assume that buses should have RFID readers? How about tube stations? Train stations in Leeds? What possible reason would anyone have to not want these wonderful technological developments to keep track of them?

Oh, and the whole ‘costing’ issue has raised it’s ugly head again. The Home Office line:

On which subject, the Home Office has published its promised rebuttal of the London School of Economics’ report on ID cards. The Home Office document (available here) has a very brief section on costings, which largely boils down to claims that the LSE used the wrong figures, and that the Home Office has access to other figures (which it still won’t share with us) that justify its own costings entirely.

Ah, so we’re to trust them on their figures. That’s fine. Worked well for the UKPA IT system, didn’t it?

As William Heath points out at Ideal Government, “How the assumptions work comes down to whether you trust the Home Office, its intentions, and its manner of doing business. Of course the Home Office has a self-image of itself as the good guys being hampered by a tedious liberties lobby in its fight against evil. It trusts itself. But it hasn’t won many friends during all this process. The cause did seem to win Tony Blair as a convert. And there’s a cluster of businesses hoping for patronage. But I’ve yet to hear of anyone won over by the arguments as put by the Home Office.”

Do you “trust the Home Office, its intentions, and its manner of doing business”? I think you all know my answer…