I didn't quite catch that...

I know I’m generalising here, but shouldn’t the weather pattern be:

hot, muggy weather -> thunderstorm -> clearer, fresher weather

That’s just the way I think it should be. Which was why I was less than amused with today’s offering:

nice enough morning -> thunderstorm -> clammy, foggy, frequent showers

And the thunderstorm was nearly a proper one, despite being during the day. Mr Stewart captures the quality of rain that went with it.

But it made the day worse, not better. I was not amused.

Especially when shit like this happens. The power went out for a few seconds round me ma’s shop. Nothing serious was damaged, as the computers are all connected to anti-surge plugs and all that jazz. The (needlessly complicated) phone system is also similiarly protected. But the joining between the two systems… that’s another matter entirely.

Some of the computer systems use the finest of Microsoft’s Disk Operating System. Which means that they’re not strictly compatible with such modern inventions as ‘broadband’ (protected from surges), or ‘dial up internet connections’ (protected from surges), or even a ‘Windows XP network’ (very protected from surges). No, for communication these parts of the system rely on 14.4 modems and carrier pigeons. Well, the weather meant that the pigeon fleet was grounded, and the modem(s) were, for some reason, not properly prepared for such things as ‘typical norn iron weather’.

So, I was about this evening, and thusly got drafted into looking at the problem. Said problem being “We can’t send any orders because the modem isn’t working”. I do the obvious things:

1. Curse the unfairness of such a thing happening when I’m nearby, while knowing that if I wasn’t nearby I would have been called anyway making the whole thing more difficult. I retain the right to curse regardless of realities.
2. Reset the modem, as it seems to be constantly transmitting despite not being told to. This does not fix the problem.
3. Try ringing into the (supposedly dedicated) modem line. Get an engaged tone.
4. Dig out the schematic to see what could possibly be on the dedicated modem line.
5. Turn off fax machine, credit card device and emergency power-cut phone which are on said dedicated line.
6. Try 1, 2, 3 again. Still not working.
7. Try some jiggery-pokery with the patch panel to further isolate the problem. Discover that it looks like phone socket x is causing the problem.
8. Try to locate socket x on the schematic. Discover that only sockets 1 to (x – 1) exist.
9. Repeat step 1.
10. Following extensive searching and following of cables, discover that socket x is located under socket 4 and shouldn’t really be there.
11. Reset modem connected to socket x, neither of which appear on any schematic, plan or bill. Yet both of which are clearly essential.
12. Send order.
13. Write clear instructions for staff should said circumstances occur again, knowing full well that should said circumstances occur again, only one course of action will be followed: phone him.
14. Repeat step 1.

Grr. And indeed, argh.

The world may (or may not) have noticed the ongoing PR war against alcohol. Barely a day goes by without something in the news about how We’re All Gonna Die, because our livers will give up, or we’ll be stabbed by a thirteen year old who’s had a few too many WKD. The other day, there was a program which conclusively proved that Richard Hammond was an alcoholic who should have died years ago, and it was accepted as fact.

I call bullshit. People have been drinking alcohol since the first over-ripe apple fell from the tree. If you’re a religious person, consider this: the first miracle Christ did was alcohol-based. Alcohol has a long and illustrious history. But that isn’t stopping uk.gov, doctors, the media and the bible thumpers from saying that we’ve all got to either a) stop drinking entirely, or b) cut back to levels where we’ve effectively stopped drinking entirely.

Meself, I went on a binge over the weekend. I had three tins of Stella on Sunday night. I know, I know. It was a social situation, I got carried away. 3 Stella equates to 6 units of alcohol, which is twice the recommended daily limit. Oh man, I’m gonna die.

Except, I’m not. 3 Stella leaves you with a buzz. I was able to fold out a bed, mess about with electrical switches, double check some knots, change my clothes, read a bit, then go to sleep. There was no comedy falling over, there was no pissing in public, there was no stabbage. Yet it was still a ‘binge’ by the government standard.

Again: I call bullshit.

Luckily, I’m not alone in doing so.

The recommendation is that women drink 14 to 21 units a week – set intentionally low, because that amount will do little harm. And it’s a weekly target, with the assumption that you don’t drink every day. So dividing it by seven to get a daily figure is a bit of a nonsense. Then multiply by two – a completely arbitrary figure, as far as I can tell – and hey presto, binge drinking.

Therefore, last Saturday, I had quite a session. My glass of sherry before dinner accounted for 1.5 units, then a shared bottle of a rather nice Rioja added another 4.5 units to my total. That’s six units in total – a binge, according to these figures.

Yup. The stats are bullshit. Don’t worry, though, that little fact won’t stop people from yelling them at you every time you walk out of an off-licence.

The Onion has gone and changed their layout. In a fairly major way. The content seems to be the same, but we can now access the older shite without paying. Which is nice.

Explaination of the changes can be found here (for the time being, anyway). Fear not, the old favourites are still there, only rejigged a bit. If you want to hear what a got would say if it could speak, you can. Want to read about a disturbed and probably lawbreaking family life? Why not?. And more importantly, want to read what the Man On The Street has to say about things?

Lisa Willis,
Florist
“This recalls a moral and ethical dilemma theologians have grappled with for millennia, namely: Is it right to murder people?”

Earl Keener,
Technical Writer
“Pat Robertson, as a Christian, a politician, or a pundit, is a living argument for the separation of head and body.”

Stephen LaSalle,
Truck Driver
“Forgive him, Father. He knows not his ass from a fucking hole in the ground.”

It’s all the usual Onion-y goodness, just purdyier.

The aftermath of Hurricane Katrina is huge. To quote Michael King:

[New Orleans Mayor] Nagin has advised residents who have not already evacuated to do so as soon as possible.

In other words, that’s it.
The officials are conceeding New Orleans to the elements.

The problem is that the only thing stopping the city flodding on a good day is the network of banks, levees, dykes, etc that surround the city. And this storm has battered them, broken parts of them, and the resulting floods are immense. And it’s not like a flood here, where you know the waters will fall eventually because they belong lower. In New Orleans, the waters belong that high. It’s going to be an unholy mess to sort out and get the city back to normal.

On the plus side, there are always bits of good news comming among all the bad. Michele is doing her best to get a list of such stories up. I particularly like this one, mainly because dolphins are cool.

I made a silly mistake. I got out xXx: The Next Level, expecting it to be as good ‘so-bad-it’s-good’ as the original xXx. It was not. The acting was worse, the one-liners were cheesier. I would be able to forgive this, but for one thing: the special effects were rubbish.

Shockingly bad; the background shots of the Capitol looked suspiciously like they’d been done in crayon and added in, the greenscreen stuff was terrible, the CG was probably the worst I’ve seen. That train looked shite, the helicopters looked shite, the binoculars looked shite. And the explosions looked, you’ve guessed it, shite.

It was unforgivable. A film like this can be forgiven bad acting, bad casting, bad scripting, as long as it has good fighting and good explosions. Some of the hand-to-hand fighting was OK, but the explosions were so bad that the entire film stank to high heaven.

Which is a shame. Oh well.

Difficult choice… which to go for?

or

I have to say, John seems to be the more interesting one there, so I’ll go for that. “Hazardous Infiltration” sounds interesting, and the “Accurate Nullification” is a constant. I can’t try them together, ‘cos there’s a ten letter limit. Boo.

And some gaming style:

Law's Game Style
created with QuizFarm.com

And some method acting:

John Wayne You scored 52% Tough, 4% Roguish, 19% Friendly, and 28% Charming!

You, my friend, are a man’s man, the original true grit, one tough talking, swaggering son of a bitch. You’re not a bad guy, on the contrary, you’re the ultimate good guy, but you’re one tough character, rough and tumble, ready for anything. You call the shots and go your own way, and if some screwy dame is willing to accept your terms, that’s just fine by you. Otherwise, you’ll just hit the open trail and stay true to yourself. You stand up for what you believe and can handle any situation, usually by rushing into the thick of the action. You’re not polished and you’re not overly warm, but you’re a straight shooter and a real stand up guy. Co-stars include Lauren Bacall and Maureen O’Hara, tough broads who can take care of themselves. Find out what kind of classic dame you’d make by taking the Classic Dames Test.

All found via Mr Byrne

For some reason, a couple of difficult mathematical equations have landed on my screen this morning. First off, from the inbox:

And then, because I remembered it, you can also substitute the word “evil” for the word “problems” there, to reach the conclusion that:

And then Twenty goes and does some maths as well. Well, he did them a while ago, but I’ve been out of the loop so I didn’t see it till this morning:

Beer = good

Work + beer -food = drunk

Work + beer + food = less drunk but still drunk.

Work + beer + food + Jameson’s = really quite drunk indeed.

Work + beer + food + Jameson’s + old LPs = really quite nostalgically drunk

Work + beer + food + Jameson’s + many old LPs + comfy chair = sleep

Work + beer + food + Jameson’s + many old LPs + comfy chair + 7 hours sleep – water + strange angle of neck = pain

Pain ? 1200mgs of Ibuprofen = less pain

Less pain + hunger = breakfast beer

Beer = good

All these equations. They’re enough to make the brain hurt.

So, it’s official. The Portadown News is officially dead.

Hopefully young Mr Emerson keeps writing in something I can be bothered reading. His site was always entertaining and funny. Which probably saved his life…

Emerson used humour as a shield.

“The worst thing you can say about anyone in Northern Ireland is that they can’t take a slagging. That’s the biggest insult in our culture. It’s what saved me. If I’d been making the points I have been in standard prose form, I’d have been sued and shot and had my arse kicked a hundred times over. You’re protected if you’re cracking a joke I think.”

And the source for all this pisstaking?

“Part of the reason Portadown News has been so easy to write down the years is that when you have parish pump politicians swanning around world capitals, appearing on CNN and demanding to be treated as if they are international political leaders… the absurdity and pomposity of that is just a total gift to comedy.”

’tis true. You have people who consistently get let than 10,000 votes expecting Presidents, Prime Ministers and the like to take them seriously. Fools.

Well, I think fun was had by all aboard. The same number of people walked off the boat as walked on, nothing broke, nothing sank, and no arrests were made. I call that a decent holiday.

It’s a whole different type of stress when you’re in a confined space with nothing but family, but we managed. And it wasn’t that confined. I had a look at the boat, and it actually covered more area than my house. Which was a tad depressing. Oh well.

Click for full size

From the inbox. And the immediate reaction that another fella in the office had was… can you guess it?

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A?Married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice “I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.”

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it,” he says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a far better lover than you are.”

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. “I want the house,” he says insistently.

Up to 60 mph

“I want the car, too,” he continues.

65 mph.

“And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!”

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her: “Isn’t there anything you want?”

The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got everything I need,” she says.

“Oh, really,” he inquires, “so what have you got?”

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. “The airbag.”

Moral of the Story:

Women are clever bitches. Don’t mess with them.

I’ll be away from the computer for the weekend again. I know, this will result in a loss of will to live for some of you, and a huge surge of joy for others.

You’re deliberately not asking where I’ll be. That’s OK, I’m gonna tell you anyway. I’ll be on one of these:

A few days, on a boat, with a few books and pretty much nothing else to worry about. Well, there’ll be family there, which could be cause for concern, but I’m sure I’ll survive.

See y’all later. Try not to burn the place down when I’m away, and don’t piss in the sink.

I’m not a big fan of genealogy. I keep telling myself this. I’m not really into all that traipsing round graveyards, scrubbing moss off of gravestones, making notes and all that. However, when someone else has done all the leg work, suddenly I become interested in it. Not as much the tracing of family trees, but more looking back at what people in the family did years ago.

One suce thing which got me well interested was the old Egyptian photos which a distant relative took. And the accompanying dairy which he kept. Another dropped into the old inbox today.

It’s a letter from an family member who emigrated in or around 1856, about how they were settling in, what struggles they face and WHY HAVEN’T YOU WRITTEN TO US? I find all of this moderately interesting when it’s completely unconnected to me; when there are family ties, it’s got me hook line and sinker.

My aunt (who sent it to me) is putting it in print soon, along with a couple of pages of context. And going through that, I’m recognising places and everything. Specificially, St John’s Point, where that branch of the family used to live; I can remember going to see the rocks that used to be their farm. It’s all captivating. For me; I’m pretty sure that youse will all just ignore it and hold out for some more Right Wing Nutjob-ness.

Also, and worryingly, there was a link in the article. And that site is just dangerous, for I will waste many hours there, reading up on geeky things that I don’t need to know and yet will probably carry about with me until my dying day. Oh well.

Also, there’s a load of links to other sites. One of which is Irish Wrecks Online, which is a reference site for divers. And I’m not a diver. I just have a silly interest in things like that. For example, I found out that the last ship to be sunk in Home waters in WW1 went down off of St. John’s Point. How geeky is that? I’ll go forth to amaze people at dinner parties with that little factoid…

First, el Reg alerted me to some funky celestial goings-on. The sun is declaring war on Utah, or so it seems. Understandable, really, we’ve all wanted to declare war on Utah at one point or another.

Then yon Wulf fella linked to this Flickr set, which is all about high speed photography of balloons in their dying stages. Which is kinda cool looking.

This will suck. Because very few games get made into decent films.

Of course, Alex Garland might be able to do something with it. Hopefully.

I spent a wee bit of the weekend saying that Sir Ian Blair should go over the very unfortunate death of Jean Charles de Menezes. Sorry, over the cover up of said death.

The death itself was a terrible failing of imperfect procedures put in place after the terrorist attacks of early July. It was tragic that Mr de Menezes died, and the more that comes out about it, the worse it gets. We were told that all evidence pointed to his being a terrorist, when there was little or nothing to actually give that suggestion. We were told that he vaulted barriers, when he did nothing of the sort. I believed this, and more fool me for it.

The Met actually said very little during the weeks after the shooting, I’ll admit. But they didn’t counter the lies that were spread making them look good, and that is an institutional problem. The misplacing of CCTV tapes is also very worrying, but that could be the work of a few individuals. There was a cover-up, and it now remains to be seen if it came from the bottom up, or from the top down. If the first, then we need to see arrests, prosecutions and (hopefully) convictions and jail time. If the latter, we need to see more of the same.

We also need to see resignations, and the higher the better. The only way that the public will retain faith in institutions like the police, and faith in the actions taken in our names, is if we can see people being punished when they show themselves to be unworthy of that faith. Not as much in the case of accidents (as I still believe the shooting to be), but definitely in the case of deliberate actions, as would be needed by any cover up.

Part of me (and it’s a large part) would like to see the Home Secretary go, but that’s my own personal dislikes speaking. And it’s very tempting to say that Sir Ian should go, because the buck stops at the top. But, as people have said, the procedures were in place from before his time. I don’t know if that’s good enough.

Especially when Red Ken starts talking shit. As he’s doing now, saying that bitter people within the Met are trying to stab the Comissioner in the back. Sorry Ken, but you’re doing more harm than good. You’re saying that Sir Ian doesn’t have full control over what is a very large, powerful, well armed organisation, which is being heavily relied on in a time of crisis. And that makes it better how?

I’m of two minds on this. On the one hand, I (and others, I think) need to see people stepping down. I’m no longer sure that the Met is the man who needs to go, but I don’t know if someone less than that is acceptable.

Oh, and contrary to what some sanctimonious pricks are saying, I trust the Met. If this is dealt with properly, I see that continuing. If not, then I don’t know what happens.

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So, the medical establishment is fighting back against the animal rights terrorists. Which is just and proper. I’d rather they fought back with sharp objects instead of semi-sharp words, but hey, that’s just because I’m a traditionalist.

It’s all in response to this. You know, the farm which was force to close because everyone connected to it was getting death threats. Oh, and there was that whole ‘stealing the body of a deceased old woman’, but that’s just kids, right?

The problem is that, obviously, animal testing is very distasteful, but it’s also very necessary. I’m not talking about for mascara here, I’m talking about medicines and the like that will go on to save lives. They need to be tested, the government realises this, most people realise this, but there’s a hard core of people who are not getting it. Or else they do get it, but they’ve decided that the lives of people are worth less than the lives of small furry animals.

And so, a fairly large number of doctors and scientists have stood up and said “We need this to happen, even if we don’t much like it”. Bravo, sir. As aforementioned, I’d rather there had been some sharper implements used, but I applaud the sentiment.

Of course, that can’t be allowed.

The statement, which was drawn up by the Research Defence Society (RDS), has disappointed animal welfare groups.

GOOD! Plain and simple, it’s good that they’re disappointed.

Mr Sansolini [chief executive of the British Union for the Abolition of Vivisection] also disagrees with the assertion that there is a greater degree of transparency within the field of animal research.

“We had high hopes with the Freedom of Information Act coming into force in January that animal experimentation would finally become more open, but this has not been the case,” he said.

Please bear in mind, Mr Sansolini, that as soon as people get identified as working within this tightly-regulated and completely legal field, they start getting threats from people who would say they’re on your side. Please stop being so naive, or do you agree with these methods?

Brian McGavin, of the RSPCA, told the BBC News website: “The RDS declaration does not acknowledge the pain, suffering and distress that animal experiments cause, nor does it require any positive actions by the researchers who signed it.”

Hmm. lets see. Might it be possible that it doesn’t require any ‘positive actions’ (for which we can also read ‘surrender to terrorist methods’) because the pain, suffering and distress are balanced against the costs of not doing it? And are found to be worth it? Or found to be exaggerated by the animal rights movements in the first place?

Granted, in this case, the prize is for “Most smutty references in a single article”, but it was also a strong contender in the competition for “Most revealing economic insight” until the judges re-read it very carefully.

And the prize goes to: The Onion for their article U.S. Blowjobless Rate At All-Time High.

An example of the submitted text:

The historically fluid blowjob market reached its climax in 1996, when millions of wives and girlfriends vigorously stimulated the privates sector. But while demand has remained extremely high, supply could not, or would not, keep up. As a result, the blowjobless rate has climbed steadily, and today’s limp market shows few signs of immediate expansion.

The judges found the winning entry to be “purile, uninspired and immature”, but they felt that the graphic made up for this.

This cannot be true. No more Portadown News? Will life be worth living? I mean, Pure Derry is good, but it’s not the Portadown News.

At least young Newt will be writing elsewhere, but it won’t be the same.

RIP.

It’s been said may times, probably most famously in Men In Black:

A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals, and you know it.

Example: a recent survey seems to suggest that the British public are pretty keen on tearing up their civil liberties. Some factoids:

1. Some 62% of people support deporting certain people, even if the countries to which they’re being deported condone torture. 19% explicitly oppose this.
2. 62% support holding terrorist suspects without charge for up to 3 months; 19% oppose.
3. 52% say that judges should not be able to rule against ‘government measures’

Personally, I’m in two minds about point 1. Point 2 there would be a big no-no with me. And point 3 would be a big personal favourite.

Should judges be able to rule again law? No. Should they be given scope to interpret the law? Yes. Should they be the people who can, in effect, overturn unjust laws? Yes.

But that’s not the question. The 52% were against judges ruling against ‘government measures’, rather than laws. Should judges be allowed to rule against policy? Hell yes, because policy changes with the wind, whereas the judiciary should be a fairly constant thing. How can we trust in the fairness of the law when judgements will change with every policy paper?

But, hey. 52% of the people can’t all be dumb, panicky, dangerous animals, can they?