I didn't quite catch that...

It may lack the exessive sweariness that makes Twenty so great, but Needs To Be Glassed shows great potential. With a tagline like Everyone featured on this site requires a fucken glassing., how can they go wrong?

Tip o’the hat to Chase Me Ladies, I’m The Cavalry. Who should probably be mentioned anyways for his liveblogging of the big plane drama from last week.

Right, I’ve having to stop reading some of the blogs I’d normally be reading. Because they’re all going on about how they’ve seen Serenity. And I can’t be risking too much spoilerage.

Whats worse is that I was at the cinema a couple of weeks ago, and as I arrived I noticed that the special advance preview thingy had just started. Bastarding thing was sold out though. If I’d known an hour before I’d have been the one doing the teasing, instead of being the teasee. Bugger.

Still, only a week to wait.

Yet again, UK.gov is making it the responsibility of the public to prove they’re not breaking the law, rather than the government having to prove that they are breaking the law.

Which is nice.

Oh, and as well as that, they’re giving the police unhindered access to insurance databases. Not that there was much hinderance in at the moment, but hey.

Uninsured drivers are to face automatic fines of at least ?60 in an attempt to reduce rising levels of illegal driving in the UK.

New laws being announced by the government will give police access to insurance company records.

Currently police have to catch uninsured drivers using their cars in order to prosecute them.

Yay! Lets get rid of that whole “having to get the police to catch criminals nonsense”. It distracts them from their essential paperwork. No, we’ll just make it automaticially illegal, and the computer in the corner will catch people instead. And, because computers never make mistakes, let’s make fines automatic. None of this “magistrate” nonsense, those feckers are so not “on message”.

By the way, will the database option show if the person driving the car is actually insured? Because, once things like this become commonplace, the cops will slip into ways of not bothering to check. So I’d expect to see lots of TPFT policies, but drivers not bothering to get proper insurance. Which is doubleplusungood in the long run.

Oh, and more ANPR goodness. Joy of joys.

From the Telegraph, via The Englishman:

An Australian university has appointed a kangaroo-hunting, beer-drinking student as “heterosexuality officer”, charged with defending the rights of straight scholars.

In an apparent protest gesture against political correctness, self-confessed “country redneck” Dave Allen was appointed to the post by the student association at the University of New England in New South Wales.

Preparing for a night of roo-shooting in his “ute”, or utility truck, the ultimate symbol of Aussie machismo, Mr Allen said he did not give “a rat’s arse” about gay people as long as they did not receive favourable treatment.

“It doesn’t matter whether you’re straight, gay, black, white or brindle,” the 22-year-old law student told The Australian newspaper.

Speaking of people who like to call bullshit on special treatment for parts of society, guess who’s back. About time.

So, apparently we had a little storm activity round these here parts over the last few days. Tornados hitting villages. Very random stuff, and a little worrying for those who are affected by it. Well, I’d be worried if cars were takingoff around me. It’s only common sense.

It’s only yer common-or-garden common sense there though, the kind that everyone will agree with. Not the kind that would set off the old Common Sense Alarm. No, for that, you need to dig a little deeper…

As deep as this little context article. With this quote in particular.

Mr Knightley is sure that the tornado had nothing to do with global warming.

“Every time we get some strong winds or strange weather event, people start asking if it’s climate change.

“Tornadoes have been occurring in the UK since the year dot. They’re not particularly common, but they’re not uncommon either.”

Gather round, people. What we have here is a climate expert who had a perfect opportunity to say “it’s for the children” and “we’re all gonna die” and who, instead, told the truth. For which he is to be commended.

‘course, he’ll probably be sacked. Saying it was down to climate change would have gotten more funding, so the truth is the last thing that you want to be out there.

Apparently, the virus which causes AIDS is weakening. Or it may be strengthening. Depending on which study you read.

The beeb article doesn’t specify the size of the study, although there is mention of 12 samples from the 80s and 12 from this decade, which isn’t a huge base to work from. It doesn’t mention where (geographically) the samples are from. It merely says “this study suggests AIDS is weakening, others disagree” and then it has a few talking heads doing their thing. The journal that carried the study is payperview, so I cannae be bothered to go looking too hard at it.

Anyway, I look at the article, and what I see is “The virus that causes AIDS is mutating faster than we can make sense out of it. Experts are divided: this could work out well or very badly. Still, that we can’t understand it is a bad thing in and of itself.”

But that’s probably just the cynic in me.

Following on from the lamest tag ever

7 Things I Want To Do Before I Die

1. Learn a foreign language, properly.
2. Make something that I can look at and go “I don’t think I could ever improve on that”.
3. Become a father. Not for some time yet, mind.
4. Teach something important to someone important. Who or what is to be decided.
5. Be the Go To Guy for some major black helicopter organisation.
6. To look around at what I have, and say “This is Enough”.
7. Fly (solo) a Hurricane from Alaska to Africa.

7 Things That I Cannot Do

1. Accept things that I cannot change.
2. Let It All Out.
3. Understand people who don’t care about ID cards.
4. Understand why people who are otherwise intelligent can believe politicians.
5. Get my head round a lot of things.
6. Understand why people aren’t interested in the world around them.
7. See the point of Oasis. Why were they popular?

7 Things That Attract Me To The Opposite Sex

1. A smile.
2. A sense of humour.
3. Freckles. In moderation, I’m not looking for the female equivalent of me.
4. Sarcasm. In moderation, I’m not looking for the female equivalent of me.
5. The realisation that me liking to be on my own sometimes isn’t a sign that I’m pissed off.
6. Nice eyes.
7. Who am I kidding? T&A. Even if you just call it curves. That’s nothing but a cop-out, and you know it. Non-dwarfage is also good.

7 Things That I Say Most Often

1. Fuck no.
2. 
   Sign the No2ID pledge!
3. And sure did you see…
4. Aye, but…
5. Which part of “You’re not comming in” was it that you didn’t understand?
6. FUUUCCCKKK OOOOOFFFFF!
7. Now you’re getting mad at me for things that you said I said but I never, actually, said. (This one’s a recent addition)

7 Celebrity Crushes

1. Jessica Alba
2. Milla Jovovich
3. Brittany Murphy. And I don’t know why.
4. Alyson Hannigan
5. Shirley Manson
6. Uma Thurman
7. Heather Graham

Now, I’m just gonna follow Nelly and Marc’s examples and not really tag anyone. If you want to tag yourself, feel free. It’s a free country. For now.

Seems that the healthly living brigade are on the march. They’ve won the PR war on tobacco, and will likley win the political battle there as well. Their attempts to make alcohol a bad thing are moving along nicely.

So they’ve decided that kids shouldn’t be allowed to eat food they like.

Foods high in fat, salt or sugar are to be banned from meals and vending machines in English schools.

The ban, from next September, has been announced by Education Secretary Ruth Kelly at the Labour Party conference.

Vending machines in schools will not be allowed to sell chocolates, crisps or fizzy drinks, Ms Kelly announced.

Jaysus wept, so he did. School with naught but healthy food. No tasty beverages, no interesting food. We’ll end up with carrot juice and tofu. And kids won’t eat it, I tells you. Those that can will stop buying school lunches, and will spend their parents’ money on tasty stuff at the shop down the road. Those that can’t stop (i.e., the poorest pupils, who get free lunches) will be left, with nothing but their greens on the plate. Poor bastards.

Of course, to make it all equal, perhaps Ms Kelly will decide that no pupil should be allowed to bring in food from outside, so that everyone can partake of her wonderful scheme. Pupils, being the naughty children that they are, would obviously need to be searched comming onto school premises. Anyone found with a Twix would face immediate suspension.

I forsee a big business in being a mule. Kids will pay top dollar to those amongst them who can smuggle in Jaffa Cakes, Dairy Milks and Yorkies (that last one, remember, is Not For Girls).

But that’s the price you pay, so that everyone can safely ignore their bland, healthy, meal.

So, shall the world sign up to the wonderful new Belfast protocol?

“A Belfast protocol will be put to governments all round the world which says ‘Please take toileting more seriously and let’s have a regulatory framework.’

Yay! Instead of being famous round the world for senseless violence, ship building and Van Morrison, the proud city of Belfast will be known for … wait for it … making it easier to have a wee!

I look forward to ministerial discussion about the Belfast Protocol. It will be as famous and as controversial as Kyoto. It’ll be more important than the Treaty of Rome. The US Senate will refuse ratification, but the rest of the world will plough on, until we have reached that ideal: automatic urinals for all!

Viva la revolution!

On the first attempt:

The best result, yes? I’d also have settled for:

The tagline for this one also appealed:

Found at The Anarchangel.

Working in different buildings to where I normally work. City centre? But where can I park? And what do you mean I can’t check my work email? What’s that you say, I can’t even get on the ‘net?

It was terrible, I tells you.

On the plus side, it meant that I didn’t find out about this until my lunch had good time to settle. I didn’t think that it was possible for the Blairs to get any more blatently populist, but Cherie managed it. How sickening.

Oh yeah, and, based on today’s experience, Metro is worse than Citybus. Which is quite an achievement. So they not only made the buses pink, they made the service worse. Brilliant. OBEs all round.

This concerns me. The last episode of Lost was on RTÉ tonight, and I didn’t have a single “wtf?” moment in the whole show. Strange that.

Anyway. They went for the cliffhanger ending, as you knew they would, which should make the second series interesting. Even if it is months away.

‘course, there was a continuation of the existing “wtf”-age from earlier episodes, namely: what the fuck is Delenn doing in this show?

Found at Slugger, these photos are amazing. They show the state of the Maze prison, formerly Long Kesh. Seeing as how the facility was never the most beautiful or permanent of constructions, and that it’s been abandoned for five years, it’s not in the best of conditions.

Still, interesting to see the place. Before they build this big stadium/business park/white elephant on the site.

A friend’s wife was complaining about her car. She told her husband she longed for something that goes from 0 – 100 in 4 seconds.

Attached is a picture of his thoughtful gift.

Apparently he’s dead now

More »

Listen up, people. Government services are not ‘hip’. They are not ‘with it’. They are not, nor will they ever be, ‘cool’. They are staffed by civil servants who want nothing more than to get paid and keep their pension.

Thusly, putting email addresses in txt spk is not a good thing. Children know what you’re trying to do, and will point. And laugh.

Calling the Childrens Commissioner’s office “NICCY” is also bad. Stop doing it. It’s a government department, it should act like one. None of this crap with finding bones.

Also: having a LibDem in charge is never a good start. Just sayin’.

You know the type: they think that they’ve seen the most terrible crime committed against either them or someone in their party, and they’re going to stand their ground till that wrong is righted. They’re gonna fight for it, if necessary. And they know that they’ve their friends behind them, they’ve got their back covered. So their balls swell up and they can take on the world.

Such was the case this evening. A girl was asked for ID when we came on shift. She failed to produce any, and was told (politely and professionally, i.e., not by me) that she could finish her drink, but that she’d be getting no more. And she was fine with this.

Her boy, on the other hand, was not. And was not shy about expressing his unhappiness. Much in the way of threats were thrown, which was when I arrived on scene. The fella was told that he was leaving.

Fella: Oh yeah? Who’s going to make me?
Other doorman: I will, but it’d be better if you left yourself.
Fella: Aye, you’re fear’d, aren’t you? You pussy. Lay a finger on me and I’ll break you.
Other doorman: Don’t be stupid. There’s 21 doormen on at the minute. There’s no need for this kind of behaviour. Just walk out.
Fella [squaring up]: You’ve 21? Fuck you, I’ve nine hundred friends. What do you say about that?
Other doorman: That your phone must be full. Let’s go.
Fella: What did you say? I’ve ten mates here, we’ve fucking have you.
Me: Would they be the three lads behind you telling you to shut up and walk out?
Fella: Right that’s it
[Fella goes to throw a punch. Wonders why arms not responding. Looks down to see both arms securely fastened. And then looks round to see his mates calling him all the names of the day and walking away.]

[Fella deflates, his arms are released, and he walks out, with his girl swearing at him loudly.]

Ah. I love it when that happens. I dunno what the nine hundred friends are going to have to say about this.

One of the biggest differences between Norn Iron and GB is the police force. In GB, the deployment of armed officers is a Big Thing, with annual stastics showing how many times it happens, whyfor it happened, what lessons can be learned, etc, etc. Over here, an armed officer is deployed every time an officer is deployed.

Personally, I don’t have a problem with it. Obviously, I’d like the people carrying to be trained in the use of said weapons, though. And I’d like it if some silly person didn’t fire said weapons when school kids were visiting the barracks.

How do you accidentally fire a gun, in a police station, surrounded by kids? I’d assume that any police weapon being demonstrated to pupils would be unloaded and have the safety on. But then, that’s just me.

My regular reader will know that I’m actually a bit of a fan of GWB. I don’t want his kids or anything, but I think that he was the better choice in the last two elections. That said, he’s a very, very easy target for jokes.

Hence what arrived in the inbox:

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident’
“OH NO!” the President exclaims. “That’s terrible!”
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks
“How many is a Brazillion ??!’

And another one I was told the other day:

Good News: George Bush has finally come up with a plan for recovering after Katrina.

Bad News: It involves a big wooden boat and two of every animal.

Und ve vill hav no arguement.

Following on from news of the ID roadshow, it seems that the Home Office isn’t too happy about people disagreeing with them on the roadshow.

Four No2ID campaigners were ejected from Gateshead Metro Centre yesterday, after their attempts to protest against the introduction of a national identity register and identity card were deemed “inappropriate” for local shoppers.
…
Stephen Hodgson, ringleader of this unlikely group of rebels, said: “It was extraordinary. We had been there about an hour. The minister had yet to arrive. Then Home Office staff manning the stand had a word with Metro Centre security staff, and the security staff had a word with police. The police ejected us from the Metro Centre, saying that our leaflets were ‘inappropriate’. It beats me how.”

Have a read of the leaflet, and decide if it’s inappropriate.

Whyfor with the kicking out then?

Northumbria Police, for their part, explain that a local bylaw means leafleting is prohibited in the Metro Centre. A spokesman told us: “The security staff asked the protesters to leave. We were just in attendance to make sure there was no breach of the peace.”

The Home Office confirmed that it too was handing out leaflets. One covering information about the new e-passports, and the other with details of the new photograph standards guidelines. “The purpose of the roadshow is to inform the public,” a spokesman told us.

Ah, so it’s one rule for the multi-billion pound government department, and another for the volunteer organisation. Refreshing to know, that.

Sign the No2ID pledge!

The Beeb have gone and changed their 7 Days 7 Questions quiz. No more is it a plain page of HTML with radio buttons. Now, it a shootin’ tootin’ Flash based ballix.

One is not a fan of making these things more complicated than they need to be. The HTML quiz did the job well enough. Oh, and it let you look at the answers all on one page, instead of one by one. Which means more ease of cutting and pasting.

Grrr.