I didn't quite catch that...

As I may have told a couple of people, I want an N91. And have done so since it was announced. And it was finally released a couple of weeks ago, which had me somewhat interested. But could I get one anywhere? No.

I tried the upgrade line, they had no stock. I tried a couple of Vodafone shops, they had no stock. I tried a couple of other generic retail outlets, and they couldn’t help. So I registered my interest with Vodafone, and they said that they’d call me when they had any. That was a week ago, and I was annoyed.

So annoyed that I went into Carphone Warehouse. And was just about to start getting one ordered through them when Vodafone rang me and arranged to send me said fone (for free), along with a lower monthly bill and a free month of Sky on my mobile.

Which made me a happy happy boy. Although I’ll probably have to wait days before it gets delivered.

So, yay for Vodafone. Although if they keep sending out phones for free they’re likely to start losing money…

Nothing to see here.

At yon event on Friday, there were many medical professionals, and when, during the idle chitchat that marks these sorts of events, I mentioned that I worked in NHS IT projects, there was much lowering in temperature. It became cold, in fact. Which is odd, since the part I’m in is actually working and nearly on time, and actually on budget. Tarred with the same brush a little, I think.

Something very annoying happened this morning. I turned up to work to fund a digger in the car park. Not so annoying by itself, but a symptom of something much more annoying.

Like me not being able to park in the car park, and having to abandon the car a little further away. Not hugely annoying, but another symptom of something bad about to happen.

And that bad thing just kicked off: the sound of heaavy machinery attacking the tarmac outside the window. Literally, about ten foot from my head. With the promise that it will continue all day.

Bugger. Who’s got the paracetamol? I think it’ll be needed before lunchtime…

Isn’t it ironic…

In response to a call by Gordon Brown, the BBC polled a few people about what date would be most suitable for a UK national holiday. And those people chose the date on which the Magna Carta was signed. For some silly technical reason (like the fact that the Magna Carta was signed about half a millennium before the UK came into existance) the day may not be very valid, but I think it would be brilliant.

dontcha think?

The Magna Carta has gained fame as the first (unsuccessful, to be sure, but that’s not the point) attempt to limit the powers of government, an aim which should be applauded by all. It has been cited by those who are wary of the powers of government for hundreds of years, and is a standard rallying point for those who worry about Big Brother-ism.

A little too ironic…

And this day was suggested because of a suggestion by a senior member of a government which has shown itself to be in direct opposition to that aim, and in opposition to many of the specific clauses of it.

and yeah I really do think

Do you think that the great and the good will listen to this little voice of protest from the proles? Personally, I think they should, but I don’t think they will. But think about it; imagine the realisation hitting the minds of our political masters, every year, that the people have remembered, for eight hundred years an attempt to limit the powers of the powerful? It should give them pause to consider their actions, at the very least.

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

Now, as you may have guessed, I’m not a huge fan of Mr Prescott. His only saving grace is that, by comparison to everyone around him, he’s a fairly honest and simple man. Still, by those standards, Mr Liar McLiar (winner of the ‘Best Liar Of The Year’ contest in Liarville, TX for the last seven years running) is an honest and simple man…

Where was I? Oh yes, Prescott. He’s now alienated the remainder of his party. You know, the ones who stood by him when it was shown that he was having an affair, misusing public resources, getting exorbitant money in return for doing bugger all, etc etc etc. See, they could stomach all that, because it’s par for the course for a government minister (of any political allegiance). No, now they’re pissed because he’s been playing a game. Not just any game, but a game that’s mostly played by rich, posh people! The shock, the horror, etc! Beat the class warfare drum, batter down the doors of the Old Boys Clubs and seize the lands of the landowners, for the old left is back!

Or else they’re just looking for any excuse, and an out of focus picture of an out of favour politician is enough. Your guess on the issue is as good as mine…

One of the most fascinating things about doing a door is the people-watching that can be done. Sure, there is nobody in a club who is who they really are (everyone, myself included, has a bit of an act on), but it’s much more interesting and real than Big Brother, and I get paid to watch it.

There was the young girl, who’ve we’ve been trying to get to wise up for months. She’s 18, and gets drunk to impress her friends, and ends up doing silly things. She tries it on with all the doormen, and we have to let her down gently (for there is a seriously messed up head there, and not even my esteemed colleagues would go there). So we did the decent thing: waited for one of the female staff to take her to one side and explain exactly how she was being silly. And it might even work; all we know is that she behaved herself this evening, and left (sober) of her own accord nice and early. I hope it sticks, for she’s a nice girl, if slightly fucked up.

Then there was the shape thrower; he spent many pounds practicing his moves on the dance machines, giving it his all. It was very embarassing to watch, but hey, he seemed to be enjoying himself. And, when I went for a pint after work in the real club, there he was, deploying said moves on many different ladies, and getting shot down each time.

There was the fella who managed to get a half bottle of vodka in. Because of his masterful acting and hiding skills, he managed to get one whole swig from the bottle, and then insisted that he’d done nothing wrong the whole way to the door. “Prick,” says he “I’ve been here a million times, there’s never been a problem before, what’re your problem”. “No problem,” says I, “that can’t be solved by you leaving. Which you’ll be doing now. There one million visits, one kick out. Not a bad average. Let’s see if we can keep it that way.” Of course, there was much begging, because he wanted his drink back. And this is where my one doorman skill comes into play. I never get bored saying “no”. I’ll vary the wording, I’ll change my delivery, but the product being delevered will still be a no. Which works for me, if not for the gent in question. It’s a shame; if he hadn’t moved on to the old mother insults, then he’d be allowed in next week.

But the most interesting people to watch? It would have to be the lovely ladies of Belfast. It would appear that both of them were out this evening. Which is always a good thing.

So, last night, I didn’t have to work. Which was nice. I did have to go to a slap-up dinner in the Great Hall of Queens. Very nice all round, but it did cement a long standing annoyance of mine.

I DON’T LIKE BLACK TIE DRESS CODES.

Thank you, and thatisall.

You may have noticed that some bloggers are getting book deals. And not like the last blogging book I read, real, proper books.

And there are lots out there, but there are only two (maybe three) that I’m seriously considering spending my money on.

First off, the possible, would be The Little Red Book of New Labour Sleaze, which came from Guido Fawkes’ Blog. And, to be honest, it’s more the subject matter than the writing that has me interested. Can you guess what it’s about.

And then there’s the UKish blog book that I will be getting: Blood Sweat and Tea, which is by yon fella off of Random Acts Of Reality. And, in this, it’s both the subject and the writing (in about equal measure) that I’d be getting it for.

But the book I’m really looking forward to is the book that’s being written by Rob from Clublife, for Rob is not only writing about a subject that I’m quite interested in (as in how the job should be done), but he is also a fantastic writer. He has a turn of phrase that is really fantastic, but about conversations that I’ve had as well, about subjects that I’ve discussed on the door, and about methods I use to make my night a little easier.

An example, from today’s post:

When you’re sitting in a nightclub, and you think it’s appropriate to react with violence when “open-mike hip-hop night” is over and you haven’t had your chance to rap, you’re wrong. Not getting your chance to rap on “open-mike hip-hop night” is not a real problem. That’s something where you say, “Aw, crap. We missed it. Get me another beer.” It’s not something where you say, “Let me do something really violent now, because I’ve been wronged so grievously I can no longer keep my emotions in check. I shall now rampage.”

That bit in bold? That sums up so many comments that I’ve made on the door. Except I don’t say it as neatly.

Oh, and I like the idea about Chainsaw Thursdays.

I fantasize with other bouncers about “Chainsaw Thursdays,” where midway through the evening, when the room reaches its peak, we’re all given five minutes to tear through as much clubflesh and clubbone as we can. With chainsaws.

Wouldn’t help me, though. Because I don’t work on Thursdays.

Now, stay with me on this, it rambles a bit.

The other day, I got a new set of shelves. Well, scratch the new. I got a set of shelves, which I’ve been meaning to do since I moved in. Seventeen months ago. Anyway, this new set of shelves has allowed me to move somethings around, and to get all my DVDs out of nooks and crannies and different houses, etc, etc. And it has enable me to discover some things, like the fact that I seem to have lost my Battlestar Galactica season 1 boxset. And that got me thinking about TV shows for which I have the DVD boxsets and yet haven’t watched for some time.

Can you see where this is going, yet?

Now, the only show for which I own the whole run (thus far) is The West Wing. And, following on from this random chain of thoughts, I decided to sit down and watch an early episode or two. And the episode I chose was one of my all time favourites: In The Shadow Of Two Gunmen (Parts 1 & 2). This two parter was the opening for the second season, and had a lot of flashback scenes, dealing with the team that got Bartlet elected and how they came together.

And the opening of tonight’s show was, basicially, a direct translation of some of those flashbacks into the new administration. In some cases, it was a direct copy, same scenes, same players, same intros. And, thusly, it was good. If somewhat freaky because of the whole coincidence of me randomly selecting the original episode less that a week ago.
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Woo, and indeed, hoo!!1!! I’m still qualified. With a lower score than the last time I did it, but I blame ambiguity on the part of the test, and not any reduction in my uber-l33t d00rman skillz.

Anyway, last time I kinda scuppered my chances for improvement; it’s not a test where you can get over 100% in, is it?

Time is running out of you want to get the most out of your UK passport without signing up for an ID card. For the low, low price of £51, you can get an extra ten years of passporty goodness without all the nasty big brother issues associated with Blair, Blunkett & Clarke’s End Of Freedom Device.

You have until the end of this month, and then the rules change, so GET RENEWING NOW! My application is in, and I’m obviously starting to get the paranoia through to others, for I know of several who’ve been rushing to get their forms in in time.

So, get renewing.

I caught some of that How William Shatner Changed the World, and it was really quite funny. Seeing someone rip themselves to shreds so completely is always funny.

Oh, and they dissed the DS9, because it wasn’t in keeping with Roddenberry’s idealistic vision of the future. Which is probably why I rate it as the best of the Star Treks. Ya know, because the people are people, not poster boys for the UN…

With regards to the Law Lords rulings today, I have but four words of comment:
That is fucked up.

Thatisall.

An ongoing debate at Samizdata has sparked quite a bit of interest. The initial premise of the post was “Apple products are far too samey and totalitarian”. And then the comments came flooding in.

Me, I don’t particularly like Apple either. I was never particularly fond of the interface at school, and nothing I’ve seen since has convinced me that I’d prefer the newer versions. But a bigger reason these days has emerged: the aesthetic, the branding, and the obsession that both bring.

I mean, look at the stores.It’s like a bright, sterile, modernist hell; I’m half expecting Azrael to walk down the stairs in a fetching white suit.

And the branding allows shit like this to not only happen, but to be expected. Tying up two of the best known brands in the world to add a couple of quid to the prices of both, for a system that nobody needs. Brilliant.

Of course, it’s all a matter of personal taste. And, personally, I don’t like them. Are they inferior/superior? Not enough so that they’d make me switch. So why the evangelicism?

She’s only been in her job for a matter of days, and already the new direct rule education minister is showing herself to be an eejit.

Northern Ireland’s new education minister has said despite opposition to ending academic selection, there is widespread agreement change must come.

I get the feeling that there’s going to be a standard New Labour quote comming soon… I think that it will say something along the lines of “I appreciate your concerns, but we’re doing whatever the fuck we want, even if it’s just messing with the system for messing’s sake”.

Lets see, shall we?

“I am determined that Northern Ireland’s education system will be world class and that every child has the opportunity to achieve his or her full potential,” Ms Eagle said.

“We are implementing an exciting programme of reform and improvement across the education system, from pre-school to further and higher education to ensure that through education, every child and young person gets the very best start in life.”

Ah yes. There are the buzz words: world class, opportunity, potential, reform and ‘very best start’. But what did she actually say? Nothing of substance, no proposals beyond messing for messing’s sake.

So, dear Minister, you’ve failed. Already. Bit of a shite performance, really. But compared to what’s happening at the Home Office, you’re not fucking up too badly, so you’ll probably get away with it. Never mind the fact that you’ll have done irreparable damage to tens of thousands of children’s prospects…

Yesterday was the last part of my DS course. So we got to sit through three modules: drugs awareness, Building Control and Health & Safety. And the test. I forgot that test. I said this the first time I sat it, and I’ll say it again: any test where it takes twice as long to fill in your name as it does to answer the questions needs redesigned.

Anway. The BC and H&S sections were, as you’d expect, treated with healthy amounts of cynicism, as befits the crowd. Some of the fellas tried their best to destroy the woman taking the course, but most of us wanted out so got him to stfu and move on. Which was nice. Most of what he said was valid, though. And, dear lady, sometimes accidents are accidents, and there’s not always someone to blame, so you can take your HSE and ambulance chasing ways and shove them up your arse. Just sayin’.

Anyway. As befits the very mature and sensible audience, the drugs awareness was the highlight of the show. Mainly because the fella taking the session had raided us some months back (turns out he was the guy who’d been handling the dog), and we’d all got on fairly well with him. And, perhaps unwittingly, he alerted some of the more sheltered attendees to the possibilities of hash oil. A cat which should, in all probability, have been left in the bag.

An opinion which was reinforced when he recounted his first almost seizure of said substance. Someone was admitted to the Mater with what appeared to be a shotgun wound to his left buttock. However, closer inspection revealed that a small glass bottle that had been in his back pocket had exploded. Due to the oil in it becomming agigated (by his Dancing Like A Loon™).

So, kids, if you’re hiding highly unstable chemicals on your person, restrict your Loon-acy. Accidents cause disembowelment.

So I’m a whiner, am I? Well I never, never been so insulted, wouldn’t have happened back in the day, wahwahwah it’s not fair.

et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

‘Course, it’s works out OK. For the very same post has brought Arse End Of Ireland to my attention. And said blog meets with my approval.

Therefore, I must announce that The Swearing Lady has been inducted into the Order of the Blogroll (The Funny Division), for services to The Funny as detailed below:

• Sex. Drugs. Cèilì music. – A tagline of comic genius and cultural references.
• The post entitled Into The Wesht:
  

  The Marriot hotel in Galway has opened a spa. It is called “Absolute Spa”.

  See, now, in Galway that’s a really unfortunate name for a haven of relaxation. Being that spa is a derogatory term, short for spastic, which basically refers to anyone even halfway irritating. Being an absolute spa, then, means being at the pinnacle of spa-ness. And it’s hard to get into the pampering mood when you phone for an appointment and the girl at the other end says, “Good morning, Absolute Spa.”

  “What did you call me?”

  You might as well say “Good morning, you cunthead tosspot.”

It’s official: John Reid would like to move the Criminal Justice System away from all that bothersome Justice nonsense, and towards being the Criminal Revenge System. In little baby steps.

Victims of crime could be given a say on whether offenders should be freed from jail, under plans being considered by Home Secretary John Reid.

Now, in how many ways is this a bad thing? Let’s see what occurs off the top of the head…

• Gets rid of that whole “fairness” aspect, whereas two identical crimes (as much as two crimes could be identical, anyway) could result in vastly different jail time, dependent on the mood of the family.
• Brings too much emotion to what should be a fairly clinical proceeding.
• Not that difficult to manipulate.
• How long until a family is sued? Say they’re the forgiving type, and let someone out of jail, and that someone goes on to kill again. Does the second victim’s family get to sue the first? Or will they just be able to blame them in the Daily Mail?

And there are many more bad reasons.

I think that it’s something about the Home Office. Takes someone who appears to have an ounce of sense, and turns them into nutjobs. Shame, really.

Well, I say ‘kung fu’, but I really mean ‘data quality’. Because switching those terms makes my job sound so much more exciting. Kung Fu Improvement Implementation? Sounds brilliant.

Anyway, those whose data quality is lacking. Once again, they’re to be found within the Home Office, but instead of only hiring illegal immigrants to work within the Immigration and Nationality Directorate. No, this time it’s labelling innocent people as criminals, thereby blocking them from working in certain areas.

“These cases are clearly regrettable, but represent a tiny proportion of cases – 0.03% of the nine million disclosures issued by the CRB since it began operating in March 2002.

“We err on the side of caution in these rare cases precisely because it is vital to ensure that the disclosure individuals do not fraudulently try to claim they have no criminal convictions when in fact they have.”

So that’s just 2,700 lifes that have been fucked with. And, sure, you may have corrected the mistakes, but have you gone to the places involved and erased memories and doubts? Because I can assure you that the doubts will remain. Employers will say “There’s no smoke without fire”, and look for reasons not to hire the people you screwed. It’s human nature.

Oh, and it’s only 0.03% that you’ve discovered were wrong. How many more are out there, not knowing why they didn’t get the job, or the university place? How many people thing that their speeding convictions barred them from a position, when they didn’t get it because the Home Office told people that they were kiddie fiddlers?

Government databases. Big, cumbersome, badly run, incorrectly populated and overly trusted.

Did I leave anything out of that list?

The ‘sirs’ in this case being plentyful, and including (but not limited to) David Tennant, Pete Doherty, Franz Ferdinand, and the Kaiser Chiefs.

The crime of which they are guilty? Guiding the legions of twats that frequent my workplace. Guiding them in matters of fashion. Guiding them into wearing suit jackets with jeans and thinking that this makes them the epitome of cool. When 99% of them are still the annoying wee shites that would follow any herd.

The punishment that I would suggest? Horsewhipping. In public. And the revocation of any artistic licence that they may previously have held.

Oh, and it should be noted that I’m not against the style itself, because there are very few styles that I’m either strongly for or against (except ponchos and leggings, both of which can be found in the ‘strongly against’ column). I’m not even against ‘cool’. I just get annoyed by people who think that copying a couple of overrated bands will transfer the cool onto them. It does not.