I didn't quite catch that...

I was going to have a go at the fantasy cabinet thing that the BBC was running. Then I looked at the options and realised that, out of the 40 names on offer, I wouldn’t choose more than two or three to put in a position of power. And since you’re only allowed to put three of your own choices in, that would leave me with an absolute maximum cabinet size of six.

Which would be nice, and would require a massive scaling back of government to happen.

Unfortunately, they don’t let you do that, so I’ll have to leave my cabinet unformed, and admit that I detest all politicians and don’t trust a whole lot of them…

Shocking, I know.

I may have mentioned, over the last while, that I’ve been reading a few of Harry Turtledove’s books. And damn good books they are, too, the lastest that I’ve read being The Guns of the South, which is basicially about timetravelling Afrikaners selling the Confederates a few hundred thousand AK-47s just in time to win the US Civil War.

As I’ve come to expect from Turtledove, there’s a lot to think about, as well as a lot to be entertained by. How would an agricultural society like the CSA even provide ammunition for such a complicated piece of machinery? How would they respond to books with colour pictures, let alone radios? How would the US, always considered to be vastly ahead of the CS in technology, respond to meeting assault rifles on the battlefield? How would 20-20 hindsight affect decisions taken in the 1860s, especially regarding the issue of slavery?

I think that, at some point, I’m going to have to have a look at some of the histories of the Civil war. The more I find out about it, the less I know about it, and it seems fascinating. How did the South survive as long as it did? Was slavery as big an issue then as it seems now? How the hell did the two sides reconcile after so much bloodshed?

And what would have happened if Special Order 191 hadn’t gotten lost? That so much could depend on such as small thing as someone lifting a few cigars from the ground is amazing…

All this stuff about Richard Hammond led me to the Top Gear Magazine website, and more specificially to their games section.

Lots of silly flash games, all based on the stupid stunts that TG has done over the years? How could that possibly be a bad thing?

I may, or may not, post during this little trip. It may be that I can’t be arsed don’t find an internetweb connection, so I’ve put up a few posts on the ol’ time delayed thing.

Yes, they will be particularly lame posts. I don’t want people to think that I can be so easily replaced as that…

You know, you could have been forgiven for thinking that the ID card had gone away. There was nothing in the news about it since that rather entertaining diversion about a) how it would cost a bomb and b) how it wouldn’t work.

But then, like a particularly nasty kebab, it comes back.

Of course, this could all be a big joke; it certainly reads like one. With such genius ideas as using existing (and crap) government databases to build the new (and, thusly, crap) ID database. And bits like this:

The minister suggested – as a “hypothesis” – that criminal records checks on staff working with children and vulnerable people could be simplified through the new identity database.

That, clearly, should read like this: The minister suggested – as an exercise in “not telling the truth” – that the identity database would magicially fix all the inconsistencies and downright inaccuracies in existing databases..

Oh, and what jackass of a constituency elected a former IT consultant? Surely people should be aware that they’re the worst type of bullshitter…

Just in case you thought it was all bad, you could (and should) mosey on over to No2ID, especially their blog.

And I do so like this ad; credited to the Guardian, of all places.

Of course, I haven’t seen said speech, but I’ve had a wee read of the coverage. If you’ll permit me to indulge my dislike of Mr Brown, then I’ll begin…
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Ah, the beautiful misty mornings of late September. Trying their best tostop people getting out of bed and into work. Bloody depressing, that’s what it is.

But it’s alright, though. For this is my last day of work for a fortnight, and I’m away on me holidays. Well, OK, my ‘holidays’, but still. A fortnight off work, in the land of the cheese eating surrender monkeys? All to the good.

Now, I have to try and learn French. Because they do so love it when you turn up and butcher their lingo in front of them, don’t they?

I’m not a fan of using those infernal dance mats. Not my cup of tea at all; any time I actually dance, it is my patented LoonLikeDancing® to the drum and the bass, and this is not suited to cheesy arcade machines. Or brightly lit areas, for that matter, but that’s not important right now.

However, I do like seeing these dance mats about the place. Because they are an endless source of amusement, due to the characters that use them. Both of my longest running door jobs have had dance mats, and this list is based upon my observations of them:

• Sub-teen girls, who spend hours perfecting their Cotton Eye Joe dance, ensuring that their famliy have to stay in the location for those hours. Getting steadily drunker. Which is entertainment enough, and provides a double income stream for the establishment. No bother from a doorman perspective; the girls just use the machine and the family sit in the corner and cause no hassle.
• Teenage girls, who attack in groups. Six or eight to a machine, which can only take two. So there’s the two who are using the machine properly, and the wannabes around them who dance like eejits on the floor, pretending that it’s the machine. They spend no money except what they put into the machine. Can cause headaches due to the high frequency squealing and arguing over who gets to be a real user and who gets to be an eejit.
• ‘The Gays’, as they would be called in a dodgy TV show, or by other users of the machine. Groups of very, very camp lads who spend a lot of time on the machine, and take it very, very seriously. They spend a fortune on the machine, and at least double that on energy drinks from the bar. Perfect customers in that they leave when you ask them and spend loads.
• The loners, single fellas who come in, spend ten or fifteen minutes on the machine, then walk out. Repeating this quite often. They spend no money except on the machine, or on fruit machines nearby while waiting for the real machine. Can be arsey if they don’t get on the machine when they want to.
• The stags; stag parties who get very drunk and use the machine in an almost ironic sense. “We’re so macho,” say they, “that we can out-gay ‘The Gays’ on the dance mats.” Generally good craic, doing what they’re told and spending a good bit. Watch out for the eejit of the party, though, who can get too drunk and near kill themselves attempting a difficult move, or a massive arguement over whose turn it is.
• The hens. Oh, the hens. Simultaneously the best and worst of the users. A good hen party can be a doorman’s dream, and a bad one can be their worst nightmare. A good one provides great craic, a steady stream of revenue and plenty of eye candy on the dance mat. A bad one provides an unnatural level of high frequency noise and plenty of complaints. And one -always one- woman who stays on the dance mat for ever, and will come to blows with anyone who tries to get her off them.

So, endless amusement and generally very little work needed. Of course, one of the nastier situations that I remember happened over a go on a dance mat… One of our regular loners (a guy in his early 30s with sever mental issues, always came in with his mum to look after him) got fed up waiting for a group of pre-teens to finish up, so he literally threw the lot of them off. That was fun, in that special ‘this guy is going to get lynched unless we tidy this up’ way…

(This entire post was inspired by this video, found at Bliss’ joint.)

I was planning to attend this. But I checked the small print and they wouldn’t let me bring my Bren Gun, so I had to cancel.

I fuckin’ hate Bono.

It seems that there is good news on the hamster front.

Top Gear presenter Richard Hammond is continuing to recover in hospital, with friend Jeremy Clarkson saying the crash victim has taken his first steps.

The 36-year-old may be moved to a general medical ward in coming days, Leeds General Infirmary said.

Very good news, especially considering the seriousness of the reports that were comming out originally, with reports of death being bandied about.

Incidentially, a website has been set up for people who want to donate to the air ambulance that moved Hammond to the hospital, which is all very worthy. It seems to have raised £60k or so already, which isn’t bad for a couple of days work.

Yes, folks, it’s that time. The steadily growing part of the year which necessitates special care and attention from many people, especially in the bar/club business. The time of year when all back doors must be checked twice as often as normal; when all windows must be shut; when piles of rubbish cannot be allowed to accumulate in poorly lit areas round the back of bars.

The time of year, in fact, when the little bastards that populate Belfast rediscover their suppliers of fireworks. And decide to celebrate this by using said fireworks anywhere and everywhere they can think of, including trying to lob them into areas where large numbers of people congregate of an evening.

Luckily, the ones that would tend to try this round my workplace are of greater that average daftness, and of less than average subtlety. So we should manage to make sure that all the bangs remain outside the building, along with the tossers who get their entertainment in such ways.

People of Britain, brace yourselves. Labour are trying to get into another trough, and the only possible outcome of that is major shaftage of the population. Going by past experience, at any rate.

In this case, they say that they need public funds because, as the party of government, they should get more funds for political work. Never mind that they’ve been using lots of silly servants for political work; never mind that half the public sector ads on TV are for pet projects (WFTC, for example), but paid for by the public purse; never mind that, as good socialists they could easily part with a fair chunk of their ministerial salaries for the good of The Party. No, they need more help.

Why is this? Is it because they’re currently the focus of a criminal investigation into accepting loans with strings attached? Or because they no longer have the financial backing of the populace? Surely in either case, that is more than enough reason to not let them have any more money until they show themselves to be able to use it wisely.

I always think that it’s funny that we trust the government with countless billions of money, when not one of the parties can be trusted to run their own finances, even though they’re “only” in the low millions.

‘Funny’ in that special laughing/crying sense, of course.

Another part of the article that got me shivering was this:

“We are in a third term and I think it is pivotal for us. We have to be as hungry to carry on making those decisions that are transforming communities as we were in 1997, 2001 and the last election. “

Yes, that’s a government person claiming that they need to do more of the ‘transforming communities’ that’s been going on since 1997. Dear help us all.

I was going to write something deep and meaingful. Downright profound, it would have been. If I hadn’t gone and forgotten the gist of it because I was watching Scrubs.

Instead of that potentially world altering message, I give you this:

JD off of Scrubs	Another world famous funnyman

Yes, today I was struck, not for the first time, but the similiarity between the world famous grinning idiot, and the fella who plays a grinning idiot on TV.

That is all.

It would appear that California is suing carmakers for causing Global Warming. Obviously, they haven’t gotten the memo that ‘global warming’ was rebranded into the less specific ‘climate change’, since global warming rated quite low on the old proveability scale.

Of course, since they are now totally in tune with the globe and it’s warming nature, California and her people have decided to stop supporting the largest causes of greenhouse gases. As a result, they no longer eat beef, drink milk, or use electricity.

It’s good to see that they’re so committed about this, and not just going after an easy victory in a pointless campaign in a war that nobody needs.

It seems that Richard Hammond, the short one with the glowing teeth from Top Gear, was very seriously injured while filming for the show. Not a massive shock; he always gets the shitty end of the stick when it comes to dangerous stunts, and this time he got to mess about in a jet powered car.

Hopefully, he makes a full recovery, for a) he seems like a decent lad, and b) he has a young family, so it would be a crying shame to see anything really bad happen to him.

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UPDATE: Wikipedia is currently claiming that he was declared dead at 21.02, citing ceefax. I really hope that they’ve got it wrong. Actually, on checking again, that claim has disappeared.

So, you coup in Thailand. Follows the classic chain of events: instability in government, powerful military leaders, a PM out of the country for a while. And than BLAM, change in government, to the snappily titled Administrative Reform Group Under the Democratic System with the King as the Head of State. Why is it that coups are never in the name of a group that people can remember? Or chant. Or write on a wall. Must be part of the counter-revolutionary training: people can’t effectively oppose you if they can’t make a rhyming chant for your name.

Anyway, what I think is fascinating is the concept of ‘loyality’. Initial reports kept going on about “soldiers loyal to the army chief of staff”; in Pakistan, soldiers loyal to the same position took over the country. It’s also a staple of lots of books, shows and movies: troops loyal to different people keep launching coups, or being counted on to prevent coups.

And I really don’t get it. Would it translate to over here? Would ‘troops loyal to General Sir Whoever’ disobey orders from the legal authority to prevent a coup by paramilitary forces loyal to the Home Secretary*? If politicians attempted to instigate a police state, would soldiers disobey them and act in the interest of the country? If there was a struggle, would the Royals take a side (since they, officially, command the armed forces)? Would the navy end up fighting the army?

These sorts of this will probably never happen, but then the people of Thailand probably thought that the days of military coups were behind them as well…

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* – you know, forces like CO19, or SOCA. People who have been heavily armed and well trained in putting down people, rather than fighting the enemies of the nation.

How cool is this?

It’s a tiny projecting device, about the size of a sugar cube, which uses lasers instead of conventional light sources. Meaning that, once perfected, powerpoint displays could be delivered from a mobile phone; mobile TV could be watchable; childish pranks could be much more elaborate… The possibilities are endless.

So, I’ll take three.

1. For the mobile: taking crap videos and putting them up behind people when they’re speaking; allowing me to show exactly what the punters are up to of a Friday night to large groups of people… It’s all good.
2. For the PC: obvious reasons, really. Wall-to-wall gaming, here we come…
3. For the TV: a portable projector that can fit anywhere? How brilliant. Fancy watching Saturday morning TV in bed? Just set the miniprojector to watch it on the ceiling. Doing the dishes? Project the video onto the wall behind the draining board. More possibilities.

Of course, another for the office would be nice too. And maybe one for the car. But I’m not greedy; I’ll settle for three. To start with.

I never got horoscopes. I mean, how could twelve random collections of stars be used to predict everything from yourr character to your future?

Luckily, science has come to the rescue. Twelve random collections cannot do this; thirteen are needed.

And the thirteenth sign of the zodiac? It’s the Badger, and is, apparently, right between Aries and Taurus. Hey, I’m a Taurus, and it never sat right… perhaps I could be one of these Badgers… Lets see.

‘Badgers are stubborn, sociable and good with their hands. They enjoy the company of others but sometimes need to be on their own’ said former TV astrologer Russell Grant.

Stubborn, check. Sociable, mw-neh. Good with their hands, maybe not. Enjoy the company of others, yes. Need to be on their own sometimes, yes.

Hell yes. With a massive 3/5 match rate, I can now confirm that I should be a Badger.

Bring it on.

Those wacky artists. Sneaking into an archeological treasure trove and pretending to be part of it.

Many points for effort, many more for coolness, and a couple more for good costume. Minus many for trying to piss off the police of the PRC; they’re not known for their sense of humour.

Luckily for the german in question, the police didn’t shoot him. They didn’t even arrest him. Instead, they subjected him to “serious criticism”. Which put me in mind of Crispin and Natasha, in MPS blue, saying “Well, the intention was there, but the inspiration, the drive, the belief was lacking. Terrible performance, almost as bad as the recent preformance put in by the pickled shark…”