I didn't quite catch that...

There were many hours spent waiting in airports; there were occasional early starts when such things weren’t welcome. Some bastard even stole an hour from us on Saturday night, and then made up leave our rooms before 10am. We had no kettle, the rain could actually bruise, we got lost on campus despite having lived there for a good while…

And yet, I had an absolute blast. The tea deficit was rectified by the judicious purchase of a kettle and teabags, the weather, tiredness, geographical confusion and all were buried under a tide of beverages. And I got to see a shiteload of people that I’d not otherwise have seen in manys a moon. More surprisingly, some of them didn’t run to hide from me.

And, rather importantly, something very very nice happened. More may, or may not, be revealed at a later time…

I hate to say it, but I wasn’t impressed with Ashes to Ashes. I mean, it was alright, but I don’t think it compared at all to Life on Mars.

There is a chance for redemption, of course. Life on Mars was nearly a total washout at the end, but was saved by a fucking fantastic final fifteen minutes. And that’s taking alliteration one step too far.

But I don’t think that redemption will happen in the second series. Because the show is too different from Life on Mars, and the writers are too smart, to follow that same redemptive path.

Whereas LoM was slow burning because you knew something unexpected was going to happen, AtA seems to relish in getting the big excitement in in the flashback, so there’s little to look forward to. And there’s more; obviously I can’t identify with the protagonist as much (not being a female and not having much time for psychoanalysis). And the music in the 80s, frankly was rubbish compared to the 70s stuff. And Gene Hunt would not get that confused by a woman being about.

Oh, and I hate hate hate the way that Drake pronounces the word ‘daughter’.

So, to sum up, there are a good few things that I don’t like, and these don’t make me hopeful for the second season to drag it up to the level of being a worthy successor to Life on Mars.

But, as always, I’d loved to be proved wrong…

Right, that’s it. The last five years, while they’ve been grand, are going to be suspended for a little while.

Yup, I’m stepping back to 2003, heading to campus and getting rote aff in the delightful surroundings of the University of Warwick Students’ Union. Before they tear the place down.

This could get messy…

I’m not really a fan of tattoos, so I can’t honestly say I’d be that keen on this one. But if I had to have one, I think this would be it…

Only because it’d be entirely hidden for at least the next three years, you understand.

Ladies and gentlemen, let’s please doff our caps in the direction of the National Institute for Clinical Excellence, who have decided, without any scientific backing at all, to toe the government lie line on alcohol during pregnancy.

Never mind that the government line is baloney, and not based in fact. Just get in there with the message that, for a large and movable section of society, any alcohol is bad.

That’ll make it easier to move such prohibition onto the rest of us, when the time comes.

Which isn’t very nice. Not at all.

I dunno, is there a special time of the year when all the unions have their own separate get togethers with the express aim of saying stupid things? Because there seems to have been a rash of such sillyness recently, with the latest sillyness emerging from the NUT.

Teachers have voted to oppose military recruitment activities in schools if they employ “misleading propaganda”.

Young people must be given a true picture of Army life, not a “marketised version”, the National Union of Teachers conference heard.

The Ministry of Defence (MoD) denies actively recruiting in schools but says it does visit to raise awareness when invited in by head teachers.

Obviously, there are important questions to be asked about military recruiting in schools, should that be happening. But let’s not let the questions be asked by halfwits such as this:

Paul McGarr, a teacher from east London, said only when recruiting materials gave a true picture of war would he welcome them into his school.

These would have to say: “Join the Army and we will send you to carry out the imperialist occupation of other people’s countries,” Mr McGarr said.

“Join the Army and we will send you to bomb, shoot and possibly torture fellow human beings in other countries.

So, what Mr McGarr is saying is that the Army would be welcome in his classroom, but only iif they stood there and let him abuse them by hurling slogans and allegations at them. By that standard, union reps would only be allowed in anywhere if they stood there while people accused them of supporting communism in China and the suppression of dissent in Cuba – more allegations that are base misrepresentations of what they’re doing and trying to do.

Speaking of base misrepresentations, it’s a bit rich for a group of teachers to be alleging that the Army ‘market’ their recruiting materials… Have you seen the teacher recruitment stuff? Saying that all your time will be spent with smiling, interested children, using innovative teaching techniques and top-flight equipment. When you’d actually be stuck in a damp, cramped building, reading from 30 year old textbooks and dodging things that the wee fuckers are throwing at you, before begging for early retirement just to make the pain stop…

Yes, army recruiting materials aren’t very representative of the job, but the same is true of every recruiting programme for every single job out there. And the one for teaching is probably the most blatant distortion…

Anyone else been following the debate on the ‘Frankenstein’ bill? I am. That is to say, I’m not following the debate in the Commons, I’m not in possession of the millions of details about the bill that would be needed to give an informed decision about it. But I’m following the discussions about the debate.

And the thing that tickles me about the discussions are what’s being revealed about how government works. And how people are being educated as to how the people they elect can’t vote as their conscience tells them.

Which is the state of our representative democracy: the people we elect spend a lot of their election campaigns going about what they believe and how strong their moral compass is, but then the entire system of government is built on people not voting as their moral compass and beliefs tell them to…

So even if honest people could get elected, the system deliberately makes liars out of them.

It was always likely to happen, but the seven episodes of Jericho that were ordered after the peanut campaign are to be the end of it.

How very not cool.

Jericho, the TV drama portraying the aftermath of nuclear attacks on the United States, has been cancelled by CBS, despite viewers’ protests.

The network said the programme, seen on ITV and Hallmark in the UK, had low ratings despite its “passionate” fans.

Last year some of them sent 40,000lb (18,100kg) of peanuts – a reference to a line of dialogue – to CBS when it announced Jericho was being scrapped.

CBS made seven more episodes, but Tuesday’s edition is to be the last.

Hopefully the writers saw it coming this time, and wrote the episodes accordingly. Because that way I’ll not be plagued by the same questions as last time….

Now, to watch all seven of the final episodes in one sitting… There’s a plan for a quiet Sunday…

It was with considerable sadness that I read about an airline finally letting mobile phone work on planes.

I’m a great fan of mobiles; I’ve been known to use them rather a lot. And I’ve been known to send and receive text messages at the least appropriate of times; I’ve communicated with people in Belfast while skiing down a hill in Canada and I’ve replied to random questions while sitting in the posh seats of St Peter’s Basilica. I at least have the decency to have a non-stupid ringtone, though, and I turn the noise off if there’s any hint of it being appropriate. And, since I’m not that keen on forcing people to listen to me drone on, I speak quite quietly on the phone.

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate the sanctuary of not having mobiles for a few hours. I don’t mind being incommunicado for the short hop from Belfast to London, and I can cope with not hearing whatever news there is for a long haul flight. Not least because not everyone does turn the volume down, on themselves or the phone, when in a confined space surrounded by other people.

So, I’m a little sad to see that phones are moving onto planes. And probably they’ll be on the Tube soon. And then there’ll be no respite, except by moving to Norfolk. Which is just a horrible prospect…

Seen in the local paper this week:

The University of Ulster is looking for someone with expertise in researching Climate Change. They don’t specify how much research into Climate Change, nor if you have to believe in Climate Change. Although I suspect that anyone who doesn’t toe the party line on the issue would be given short shrift at interview.

Because, of course, Climate Change is proven, is definitely caused by humans, is going to kill us all, and is not a massive load of horseshit being pushed by greenish loons.

Honest.

And just for toeing the party line, you can earn a pretty decent wage by convincing others of the merits of said party line. Ain’t that grand?

Anybody else think that, given the subject matter, the closing date should have been April 1^st? Just me then…

If you can’t even trust the US government to guard the personal details of high profile politicians, then why hope that the data of mere mortals is secure?

The passport files of the three leading US presidential candidates have been improperly accessed, the state department has said.

A state department employee looked at the files of both Republican candidate John McCain and Democratic front-runner Barack Obama, the department said.

State department spokesman Sean McCormack said a trainee also accessed Hillary Clinton’s file last year.

Given the massive data by US federal agencies in the last few years, I’d assume that most entrances to the US were kept in those records, and possibly the details of where they were coming from and what flight they were on. The sort of information that would be of interest to folk who may mean harm to the candidates. And that’s on top of the obvious data, the addresses, next of kin, answers to security questions and all that.

And these transgressions were clearly only noticed because of the importance of the passport holders being spied on. So there’s no way of knowing how many people have had a wee peek at the same data for lesser folk.

Now, hands up if you think that the UK would be any better at securing the data under its control?

And yet, people are happily letting them know more and more about us, and share that data more freely between government departments.

We’re really just a big bunch of fools, aren’t we?

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”
“Yes,” the class said.
“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”
A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

WE ARE KEEPING YOU SAFE, says Brown, BUT REMEMBER TO STAY SCARED SO THAT WE CAN KEEP ON SCREWING YOU.

Or words to that effect. Basically: he claims that we’re safer now than we were before, but that we still need more security personnel to watch over us. Why, exactly? Are we under more of a threat this year than last? Not really, if anything we’re under less of a threat, what with continued peace over here and a steady dwindling of media interest in Iraq. So why is it that we need 4,000 secret policemen?

Oh yeah, to keep us scared and to make sure that we pay our taxes. Lovely, that…

Eddie O’Sullivan has stepped down as Ireland coach.

While I don’t like to see someone hounded out, it has to be said that the Irish squad hasn’t been living up to its potential. And as the coach, it was Eddie’s job to correct that. And he didn’t.

Now, of course, is when we run around like headless chickens for a few months, before hiring someone totally shit and then acting surprised when things get worse.

Or is it just the FAI that do that?

I, as you could probably guess, am very much in favour of repealing some of the dafter laws on the books.

I just think that they should start much closer. Not quite in the way that the Lib Dems do, though.

Liberal Democrat legal affairs spokesman David Howarth said: “The government shouldn’t stop with only a review of laws that are technically out of date.

“It should also look at the huge amount of legislation it introduced on actions which are already illegal but that were drafted with the sole intention of grabbing a few headlines.”

No, I’d just look at the headline grabbing bills, and get rid of them wholesale. Snoopers charters, Identity Cards, tax rises, ‘for the children’ busy bodying, the whole Olympics nonsense, they’d all be dropped by the wayside.

At the end of it, we’d be a hell of a lot better off. And there’d be more storage space in the basement of Westminster for the important stuff. Like the ‘Horsewhipping of Tony Blair Act’ of 2009 and the ‘Tarring and Feathering of Ken “bastarding” Livingstone Act’ of 2012.

Which would be a vote winner, I think.

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry , walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. ‘I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?’

‘Tis odd, isn’t it?’ the man replies, ‘You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America , and the other to Australia We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.’ The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening.

He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, ‘Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all…

‘The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, ‘You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It’s just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.’

This entertained me. And not just because I’m easily entertained because of the few weeks without coffee. Roll on Easter so I can get some damn caffeine into my system…

As a young’un, I loved the books of Roald Dahl. I read and reread them many many times. But the book that I enjoyed the most was not one of his works of fiction, nor one of his books of poetry. It was the second book of his autobiography: Going Solo. Because the adventures in it were much more exciting than the made up happenings of his other books. Dogfights over Greece, crashing an obsolete biplane in the Egyptian desert, the long road to recovery, that sort of thing.

Looking back, it was this very book that got me interested in flying. And therefore I can blame him for me spending silly money on learning to pilot helicopters.

Why do I post this little snippet? Because it’s what occurred to me, flying at 70 knots, 1000 feet above Strangford Lough, as I looked to my left at the totally empty co-pilots seat.

I’d just had my first Going Solo moment. And by fuck, it felt goooooooooooooood…

On the well used ‘fuckwit’ scale, how far up would you put this proposal?

An anti-smoking group in Liverpool is calling for all movies with smoking scenes to be given an 18 certificate.
…
Andy Hull, the city’s head of public protection and chair of SmokeFree Liverpool, said an adult rating on movies that depict smoking will reduce the number of young people lighting up.

“The international evidence…is that one in two children between 11 and 18 who witness smoking in movies actually experiment with – and therefore start – smoking themselves,” Mr Hull said of recent research.

First off, that entire comment is based upon a fallacy. I have ‘experimented’ with smoking; to whit, I’ve tried a couple, and decided it wasn’t for me. Therefore saying “experiment with – and therefore start – smoking” is entirely bullshit.

Furthermore, if it is suddenly to become wrong to show smoking to under 18s, what of drinking, what of crossing the road without the green light flashing? What of any number of legal activities that can be harmful?

Anyway, seeing something in the movies does not automatically mean you’ll try it. I mean, I’ve never once taken an axe to an elephant, despite watching Lord of the Rings many times. I’m yet to crash a helicopter into a skyscraper, despite loving that particular sequence in The Matrix. I may be mistaken, but I can’t think of a single time I’ve thrown anyone off a skyscraper despite all my quoting of one liners from Die Hard.

But it’s for the children, and it’s targeting the target du jour, so obviously Liverpool Council feel plenty comfortable discussing extending their reach into what people can and cannot watch. Because that’s not Stalinist at all…

Come to think of it, why does a council have a “head of public protection”? That’s plenty scary all by itself…

From a source in London, who has a (tenuous)¹ claim to legitimate participation in St Patrick’s Day sillyness:

went to Waxy O’Connors (staffed and owned by actual irish people, and they had Tayto crisps! Hooray!), and then went to the irish film festival. … things to tell you from this:

1) The organiser thanked Ken Livingstone and the audience booed and started chanting for Boris. You’d have found it really funny had you been there…

Ho-fucking-rah.

Now, since most of the people there were likely to be as Irish as the Windsors, most of them should be able to vote in London’s mayoral elections. And if they vote for Boris, that’ll be a good thing. Because, come on, say it with me: I fuckin’ hate Ken Livingstone.

–
¹ – Physical violence has been threatened for the use of the word ‘tenuous’; my source would have you know that they could get an Oirish passport if they wanted, thankyouverymuch, and thusly are perfectly eligible to take part in any Paddies day festivities. That’s me told…

CyberScribe was kind enough to post this image. Which cheerfully announced that most of us are fully qualified at something which we hadn’t realised.

Click to embiggen

Apparently,

If you drink more that 4 or drinks in one sitting,then you are a fully qualified binge drinker. This means you’re more likely to suffer from memory loss, kidney damage, and dancing like a complete prat!

Four drinks in a sitting counts as a binge? Well that’s a ridiculously low figure, I feel. Four drinks is a bottle of wine; it’s barely a quiet night out. In point of fact, the definition of a binge is bullshit, based on taking a fairly random weekly limit, and dividing it by 3.5. Not for any scientific reason, but because a group decided that the arbitrary weekly limit could be divided to give a daily limit, then doubling it.

And the memory loss is a feature, not a bug. Especially when there’s been dancing like a prat…