I didn't quite catch that...

Happy new year to you all.

That is all.

Some are old, some are new, but I can’t be arsed checking which is which, so here you go:

On an Air NZ Flight with a very ‘senior’ flight attendant crew, the Pilot said, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.’
On landing the hostess said, ‘Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.’
‘There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to leave the aircraft.’
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland , a lone Voice came over the loudspeaker: ‘Whoa, big fella. WHOA!’

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, ‘Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as f*** everything has shifted.’

From a Qantas employee: ‘Welcome aboard Qantas Flight X to Y to operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public un-supervised.’

‘In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.

‘Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines.’

‘Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments

Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, ‘That was quite a bump and I know what you are all thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault… it was the asphalt!’

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: ‘We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.’

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a ‘Thanks for flying United. ‘He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except for an old lady walking with a cane. She said, ‘Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?’ ‘Why no Ma’am,’ said the pilot. ‘What is it?’
The little old lady said, ‘Did we land or were we shot down?’

After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney , the Flight Attendant came on with, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.’

Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: ‘We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you’ll think of Qantas.’

A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!’ Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, whi le I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!’
A passenger in Economy said, ‘That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!’

Top o’the hat to TLG.

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of sh*t.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
10. Ahhhh. I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a sh*t.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny-ar*ed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a f*cking people person to you?
25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different………
32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
33. Can I swap this job for what’s behind door……….1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
39. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being more intelligent.
40. Wait a minute – I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
41. Aren’t you a black hole of need.
42. I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?
43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
44. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
45. If you have something to say raise your hand… then place it over your mouth.
46. I’m too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
47. Don’t let your mind wander, it’s too small to be let out on its own.
48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.
49. You’re not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.
50. Do you hear that? That’s the sound of no-one caring.

Emailed, as is so much, by TLG.

I thank TLG for pointing out this latest method used by Nanny to ensure that nobody enjoyed themselves too much this Christmas.

Britain beware. The nation has been put on alert for a sinister Christmas-time menace.

Failure to heed the warnings, say ministers, could result in “tipsy” grandmas “toppling down the stairs” or “crashing to the floor when they miss their seat at the dinner table”, exploding gravy dishes and “parents stabbing themselves with scissors they’ve grabbed instead of screw-drivers to assemble toys”.

These danger signs are outlined in a “festive” leaflet designed to look like an Advent calendar and entitled “Tis the Season to Be Careful”. Some 150,000 will be thrust upon unsuspecting shoppers in high streets around the country in the last three shopping days before Christmas.

Of course, that hundred and fifty thousand copies of a scare story are as nothing compared to Nanny’s scary output. In Belfast alone, this has manifested in dozens of posters all over the city warning people that buying electronic presents could easily cause your entire family to DIE IN A FIRE. And many dozens of hours of radio commercials promising that Christmas driving will cause your family to receive sympathy cards, not Christmas cards. And television ads along the same lines, and newspaper spreads highlighting the downfall of society caused by x bogeyman of the week…

What is it, do you think, that causes people to go specifically out of their way to find more and more unlikely implausible excuses to scare us? Why do you have to go and point out that unless we secure our attic doors that EVIL MONSTERS from the attic will come down and kill us? Or that not washing the handle of our toasters may cause us to DIE from some wonderful new infection?

Me, I think it’s because people are bastards. It’s the only explanation that fits…

On top of that, there are the frankly disgusting ads by charities that specialise in scaring money out of people – in particular I’m looking at the NSPCC ‘baby P’ ad, which seriously had me considering if I could ring them up and demand every single penny that I’ve ever donated be reimbursed.

In the dark, early days of this blog (2005, it was), I did a little quiz that was supposed to tell you what age you acted like.

Back then, I was aged 23, and the quiz put me as 23.

However, I am now 27, so I thought I’d do it again.

You Act Like You Are 32 Years Old

You are a thirty-something at heart. You’ve had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! You’re responsible, wise, and have enough experience to understand a lot of the world. You’re at the point in your life where you understand yourself pretty well. You are figuring out what you want… and how to get it!

Fuck. My body has aged four years, and my mind has aged nine.

This is not a nice development.

I do so hope that everyone had a nice, peaceful and pleasant Christmas.

Failing that, I at least hope that everyone survived it, ate far too much and has managed not to stick any items of cutlery up anyone else’s nose.

In the proud tradition of this here blawg, I shall be stepping back for the next few days, because in a few minutes TLG lands, and I get to spend a whole week with her. Which pleases me.

So, I trust that you lot will be able to entertain yourselves for the next few days, and I’ll be sure to leave you some not-entertaining-at-all pre loaded posts. Because I’m just nice like that…

Apparently, caffeine works better for men than women.

A strong cup of coffee has a greater effect on men than women, research shows.

In a study on 668 healthy volunteers, an espresso pepped up men after just 10 minutes. Women also became more alert after the beverage, but less so.

Thank you, dear Lord, for making it so that I get the full force of a cup of coffee; if I left with the knowledge that I wasn’t getting as much as possible out of every delicious espresso then I don’t know what I’d do…

Just for the record, this is the fifth year in a row that I’ve used this graphic on this day…

So why change a winning formula?

Happy Christmas, folks…

If you see a fat man

Who’s jolly and cute,

Wearing a beard and a red

flannel suit,

And if he is chuckling and

laughing away,

While flying around in a

miniature sleigh,

With eight tiny reindeer to pull

him along,

Then let’s face it…

You’re P*ssed!

Merry Christmas and

a Happy 2009!

Yes, I know, it’s fucking awful. But I’m too lazy to be thinking of content just now, so this is what you get…

Stolen without regret from Adele.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?

   Wrapping paper. But not a lot of it; I’m still on the same roll that I bought several years ago.

2. Real tree or artificial?

   Artificial. Because you can just pack it back in the box for next year.

3. When do you put up the tree?

   When I can be bothered. A week yesterday, if I recall correctly.

4. When do you take the tree down?

   On or before the 6^th of January.

5. Do you like eggnog?

   Never tried it. And I’ll wager that TLG is thinking an X-Factor reference as she reads this…

6. Favorite gift received as a child?

   The big box that a Thomas the Tank Engine set came in, back n the day. Either that or the Atari 2600ST.

7. Hardest person to buy for?

   Everyone, because I have no idea about presents. At all.

8. Easiest person to buy for?

   Myself.

9. Do you have a nativity scene?

   I do, yes. Although I tend to call it a crib.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards?

    No, thank you.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?

    Very few really bad ones, I can make the most of most of them…

12. Favorite Christmas Movie?

    You can’t beat The Great Escape, can you?

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?

    If Christmas is on a Wednesday or later, the week of Christmas. Otherwise, the week before.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?

    Yes. Some boxes of chocolate have been passed on.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas

    Lots. Lots and lots and lots.

16. Lights on the tree?

    Yes.

17. Favorite Christmas song?

    Fairytale of New York

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?

    It’s been either me ma’s house or my uncles for ever. Can’t remember which it’ll be this year…

19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer’s?

    No, but I do know that there isn’t a Rudolph to be found in there…

20. Angel on the tree top or a star?

    Technically, there’s a cherub there.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?

    When I get round to it.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year?

    The enforced fuss about it.

23. Favorite ornament theme or color?

    I don’t particularly have one.

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner?

    The usual: turkey, ham, roasties, gravy, and maybe even some veg.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year?

    Books, DVDs, and the company of some half decent people please.

Over the last twenty years or so, Her Majesty’s Government has seen fit to put more and more taxes on pretty much everything. The perfect example is petrol: fuel duty in the UK is right up there with the highest in the world.

This is a pain, because it’s taxing something that’s essential and then frittering the money away on shit all (please refer to the handout from ‘Government Waste 101′). But that’s not my complaint here.

While the UK fuel duty has been skyrocketing, the Irish has been rising by considerably less. The result of this is that fuel on the south side of the border has been a shitload less than that up here. The price differential has often been enough that it’s financially sensible to drive up to forty miles, fill up, and drive back again – you’d still end up saving money on a tank of petrol. On diesel it was even more pronounced.

This cross border traffic was excellent. The road users benefited, because they got petrol cheaper. The Irish government was rewarded for having low taxes by having an increased tax base for it. Irish retailers benefited from that same increased customer base. Petrol retailers up north suffered as their government gave them the full length of the shaft, and the UK government suffered as crossborder sales (and fuel smuggling) reduced the amount they could lift from Norn Iron drivers.

The UK government squealed like a stuck pig at the beginning of this, and the Irish government was quite happy with things. And I side with the Irish – both because I like low taxes and because it kept a little bit of money out of the hands of HMG (and therefore kept a little bit of money from being pissed away by HMG).

Now, it would appear that the shoe is on the other foot.

While the decline in the value of sterling is posing problems for UK tourists bound for Europe, it is providing an unexpected boon for Northern Ireland’s retailers.

As the pound keeps falling, the traffic-jams keep growing with euro-shoppers coming to Northern Ireland for a Christmas bargain.

What with the recent stupid rise of Irish VAT, and the strange drop in UKish VAT, this was to be expected. Yes, it’s added about an hour to the drive from Dublin to Belfast as the shoppers queue, but I think it’s a great thing: it shows governments that taxation isn’t something that will flow to them no matter how high they raise them.

We live in a world where people, money and business are wonderfully mobile – if any particular government thinks that they will get away with squeezing their population too tightly, then they might find that a lump of that population takes their business elsewhere. And I say fair play to ‘em.

Groucho Marx famously said that he wouldn’t join a club that would have him as a member.

I think that I wouldn’t fully trust an organisation that would trust me. Which is a large part of the reason that I don’t trust the state; I know how easy it was for me to be in a position where I could have accessed quite personal information for everyone in Norn Iron, and I have little to no faith that things are any more secure in the rest of the UK.

But then, sez you, the delightful and upstanding Mr Hillan is no threat, and would never abuse that position. And it’s true, I am delighful and upstanding, and I am no threat, and I didn’t abuse that position.

Other people, it would seem, aren’t quite as honest.

A London policeman who attempted to blackmail sex offenders and drug dealers has been jailed for six years.

PC Amerdeep Singh Johal, 29, was arrested by anti-corruption cops from Scotland Yard in July 2007. Johal was employed in checking names and address on the police database, called Crimint, on behalf of beat cops.

He abused the role to contact 11 convicted offenders and threaten to spill the beans on their crimes unless he was given “hush money”. Johal requested between £29,000 and £31,000 for his silence, threatening to tell work colleagues or neighbours of convicted sex offenders about their crimes. In one instance Johal demanded £89,000 as a “goodwill gesture”.

This one was caught; how many do you think have not been?

It gets worse, of course. There are occasional murderers that nanny lets have access to her databases.

Which means that No2ID aren’t scaremongering, they’re merely pointing out likelihoods.

I’ve been to some of the nicer places in the world. I’ve walked the streets of New York and cycled across the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco; I’ve had meals next to the Colosseum and wandered through the rooms of the Vatican; I’ve seen the depths of the Grand Canyon and the heights of the Canadian Rockys; I’ve viewed the ruins of Karnak and I’ve even seen the snow on a pretty Bulgarian hillside.

There are a great many other places I’d like to go as well; I’d like to see Ayres Rock; I’d like to sample Tokyo’s delights and the Inca trail.

But what I can’t really be doing with is visiting that little dump that is Belfast. Despite all the things that Frommers has to say about it.

In little more than a decade, Belfast has been transformed from fractured city into a hot city break destination, moving fast towards its 19th-century accolade of Paris of the North. Premier Victorian landmarks such as the City Hall, Ulster Museum, and Ulster Hall are reopening in 2009 after being given a makeover. But towering above the city, it’s the glass dome of the sophisticated new Victoria Square shopping centre that’s the real emblem of the city’s renaissance. The army check points that encircled the city centre during the Troubles are a thing of the past; today you can amble along the Golden Mile for relaxed drinks or enjoy Irish music in Cathedral Quarter bars. Try the Laganside for orchestral concerts at the riverfront Waterfront Hall and international cuisine from Teppanyaki at Harbour View to seafood at Tedfords. Or, for the ultimate treat, stay at the luxury Merchant Hotel, sip bubbly among the chandeliers in Cafe Vaudeville’s champagne bar and savor Michelin-starred dining at Deanes.

Oh that all sounds lovely. Apparently the renaissance of the city is best summed up by a shopping centre that’s too expensive for the place. Oh, and it’s an emblem that I’ve never really been in and don’t particularly plan on going to.

Does that mean that I’m not on board with the new Belfast?

In his rather good book High Fidelity, Nick Hornby put forward the theorem that men really like lists.

This is likely not a surprise to many people, male or female, but it would appear than it’s not just men that like lists. No, newspapers seem to like them as well. And, what with this approaching the end of the year, that means that they get to write lists about what has happened over the preceeding year. And once they’ve started that, they just can’t help themselves, and start producing lists about everything.

Knowing my tastes, TLG is responsible for me reading some of these lists, in that she sends me links to them. Blame her, not me…

So, here’s a list of the few lists that have got my attention in the last day or two:

• Johann Hari in the Independent – I look at this list, and I agree with precisely nothing on it. Which is a surprise; how rare is it to read something and not be able to identify with at least some of it? Actually, tell a lie, there’s one point I could get on board with – to an extent – but not necessarily for the reasons Mr Hari espouses.
• The weird legal cases of the year in the Times – And it’s something of a sad reflection on how much I read things on t’internet that I was already aware of all but one of these…
• And a non-round-up one from the Telegraph: strange words from around the world
  And my favourite list of the week. Partly because of the word Chantepleurer, which definitely applies to me. Except that I’m not the one crying when I sing…

So, anyone else spotted lists like these that are worthy of a read? Or have I exhausted all the interesting ones, thusly saving the media from collating any more before January 1^st?

It has to be said, even for an absolute geek like myself, most military remote flying devices look a little rubbish.To back this up:

From the US: Sky Warrior

From Russia: ZALA

The Israeli effort: Mastiff

and the extraordinary poorly named British example: HERTI

See? All looking more than a little daft. However, finally the US has gone involved with making UAVs that look the part. Namely the X-47B, which looks rather fine. In my humble opinion.

X-47B Pegasus

I’d buy that for a dollar…

From the Mail, via the BBC:

Sorry, I’m not qualified to land the plane

Personally, I’d have said something about the airport being closed rather than going for that particular choice of words, but to each their own. I can’t imagine that the aroma was particularly fragrant after the announcement had a minute or two to settle in…

I’m a fan of many things. And some of those things are as follows:

• Impassioned rants
• Geekery
• Kryten Robert Llewelyn off of Scrapheap Challenge and Red Dwarf
• Top Gear

Now, what could possibly combine all those points? Oh, I don’t know, Kryten Robert Llewelyn ranting geekily about Top Gear perhaps?

Now, I’m no less of a fan of Kryten Llewelyn than I was, because he managed to get a lot of swearing and impassioned argument into the nine minutes. But I can’t say I agree with him. Off the top of my head, I would say that there are issues with finding the components for enough batteries to power a significant number of cars; I’d say that the asking price for hydrogen fuel cell cars will fall once they start mass producing them; I could maybe say that that the fact that “eco” doesn’t apply to cars is a plus point.

But the face remains: Kryten Robert Llewelyn does regular ranting on t’internet. Yes, it’ll be largely stuff that I disagree with, but a good rant (like a good debate) can be admired without agreeing…

What word do you think that would be?

I’ll save you the effort, because it might take you a while to get it:

mandatory (m?n’d?-tôr’?, -t?r’?) adj.

1. Required or commanded by authority; obligatory: Attendance at the meeting is mandatory.
2. Of, having the nature of, or containing a mandate.
3. Holding a League of Nations mandate over a territory.

It’s the required or commanded by authority that I have an issue with, because saying mandatory is used as a nice way of saying we’ll fuck you over if you don’t do what we ‘helpfully suggest’. It’s another way of saying that your mind is not your own, and you body certainly isn’t – it’s a way of saying that authority is better trusted with your being.

>It’s irrational, I know, to be so annoyed by that one word. ‘Compulsory’ doesn’t annoy me as much, but it’s used in the same way. Just another sign that I’m not exactly rational about the things that annoy me. What a surprise…

There was positive yesterday morning, and negative this morning.

Now, we shall continue that theme, with something that is both positive and negative.

To whit: this article.

It is positive, because it is informative, interesting, well written and funny.

Negative, because it is basically a manual for insulting people.

And with that, I have learned the following insult, which I shall direct to one Mr G Brown, Esq:

Gladna Karpatska valchitza s dalag kosam minet da ti prai deeba.

But I say it positively…

Hey, I said that there was a need for balance, didn’t I? Which means that there must and shall be some negative to counteract yesterdays positives.

And negatives don’t come much more negative than Jacqui Smith.

“We will look carefully at the ruling but what I want is to safeguard the world-leading position that we have in the use of DNA,” she told BBC News.

Ah yes, safeguarding the world-leading position of the UK on DNA. World leading in that Zimbabwe, China, North Korea, Venezuela, Cuba and all those other lovely countries would love to be able to get as many people onto a database of criminal suspects as the UK has. World leading in that it’s easier to kill someone and get off on appeal than it is to get off the database after being stopped for being a passenger in a car that was being driven by someone who looked like a known criminal.

If that’s the kind of example that we’re setting to the world, then the world is in a bad way. But we’re in a worse way…