Recently arrived from the HR department*:

Subject: Memo to all employees

NEW COMPANY POLICIES: SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

TOILET USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names being with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees’ supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound,
the toilet paper roll will retract, and the cubical door open.

PAY SLIP GUIDE:

The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand
their pay slip:

Item Amount
Gross pay ?1,222.02
Income tax ?244.40
Outgo tax ?45.21
County tax ?11.61
National tax ?61.10
County tax ?6.11
City tax ?12.22
Rural tax ?4.44
Back tax ?1.11
Front tax ?1.16
Side tax ?1.61
Up tax ?2.22
Down tax ?1.11
Tic-Tacs ?1.98
Thumbtacks ?3.93
Carpet tacks ?0.98
Show tax ?0.69
Flat tax ?8.32
Surtax ?3.46
Corporate tax ?2.60
Parking fee ?5.00
S.A.Y.E ?81.88
N.I. ?9.95
Life insurance ?5.85
Health insurance ?16.23
Dental insurance ?4.50
Mental insurance ?4.33
Reassurance ?0.11
Disability ?2.50
Ability ?0.25
Liability ?3.41
Unreliability ?10.99
Coffee ?6.85
Coffee Cups ?66.51
Floor rental ?16.85
Chair rental ?0.32
Desk rental ?4.32
Union fees ?5.85
Union don’ts ?3.77
Cash advance ?0.69
Cash retreats ?121.35
Overtime ?1.26
Greenwich Mean Time ?54.83
Central European Time ?9.00
Off Centre time ?8.00
Mountain time ?7.00
High time ?6.00
Time Out ?12.21
Oxygen ?10.02
Water ?16.54
Heat ?51.42
Cool air ?26.83
Hot air ?20.00
Miscellaneous ?113.29
Sundry ?12.09
Various ?8.01

Net Take Home Pay ?0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation’s, consternation’s, or input should be directed elsewhere

* – not really