The best one I’ve seen so far is the one that Joanne put top of her post:
In a shop queue a young mother slaps the arse off her screaming nipper. Behind her are two obviously German tourists, disgusted by this public display of child abuse.
German Tourist: “Excuse me, in Germany we do not hit our children.”
Irate Mother: “Oh yeah, well in Ireland we don’t gas the Jews.”
And it don’t get much plainer than that, ladies and gentlemen.
On a plane coming into land in Dublin airport in a crosswind. The normal practice in this situation is for the pilot to put down one wheel first and then the other. He did so but absoloutly hammered it into the runway. A dub down the back shouts out: “Jaysis! Did we land or were we f**kin shot down?”
–Ryanair flight into Dublin
My mate Ken is standing at a communal bus stop on a lashing wet Monday morning. He’s there 20 minutes, soaked, cold and really pissed off. Two little old wans waddle into view, pulling their two tarten little trolly bags behind them, scarfs wrapped around their heads to keep off the rain. One of them asks Ken “Has der been a number 5 along here son?” Ken replies that there hasn’t been any bus along for the last 20 miuntes. Suddenly a bus does come around the corner but it’s not the right one for any of them.
It pulls over to let some passengers off and the two old wans make their way over, while one is standing in the stairwell the other walks up to the driver and says “C’mere yung filla, how long will de next number 5 be?”
The driver looks at her…looks down the length of the bus and says “Bout as long as dis one love!”
Quick as a flash, the little old dear in the stairwell says “And will der be a monkey drivin’ dat one too?!”
–From my mate Ken
Drunk guy walking across the road, waves at a car and shouts: “get up outta that, ye bought a mercedes not the road”
–Bottom of Grafton Street
young girl (between 15-17) gets up out of her seat on a crowded bus to let an elderly lady sit down. Just as she gets up from the seat a small middle-aged man (around 5 foot) jumps into it. Despite another passenger saying he should get up and let the elderly lady sit down, the little guy won’t move.
Old lady from the back of the bus leaves her seat to get off the bus and passes the young girl who got up:
“I tink your a lovely wee gurl yah”
…..and then to the small man in the seat:
“and you little fella, if ya do that again i’m gonna tell snow white on ya”
Written on the back of a seat on the 16a bus was “use your brian vote Sinn Fein”
Just after the Euro came in, little old lady gets on the bus.
Bus Driver: “?1.65 please”
Lady: “How much is that in “old” money?!”
Bus Driver: “2 shillings, 3 pence.”
–On the 49 bus
Girl: “God I hate all these midgets theyre everywhere!”
American guy: “how can you hate midgets there so lil and cute”
Girl-“coz they always bite me”
American guy-“THEY BITE??????”
Bouncer 1: “Not tonight lads!”
Lads: “What? Why not??”
Bouncer 2: “You heard him now move away from the door.”
Another lad: “Sorry, which one are you, BeBop or Rock-Steady???”
Bouncer 1: “Thats it, now F…………….”