So I was driving along the road this morning, and I spotted an oddly parked van with it’s back door open and facing the oncomming traffic. “I wonder what that could be”, sez I while checking the speedo. I was within the limit, and thusly the camera van can’t do anything to me. But it got me thinking.

Obviously, come the revolution, something needs to be done about all these cameras. My personal preference would be simple: all fixed-penalty-notices and prosecutions for speeding would be subject to a reasonable man test. More specificially, I’d look at the pictures myself, and only proceed to FPN/prosecution if I thought it was reasonable. And since I am but one man, a small backlog would develop. Damn that statute of limitations.

Additionally, I’d set up a few competitions. Every submission that failed the reasonable man test would be logged, and the officer who submitted the most frivolous attempts in any month would be summarily fired. Annually, the chief constable and head of traffic branch of the force with most frivolous submissions would also face the axe. I imagine the harrassment of the motorist may be stopped fairly quickly.

But, obviously, there would be the problem of all those jobs that exist only to seperate the motorist from their money. But, fear not, I have a solution. It came to me in a moment of inspiration in Tesco the other day. Penalty points for careless/inconsiderate use of a shopping trolley. Offences to be broken down as follows:

• Sudden stopping in major aisle without concern for other aisle users: 6 pts
• Sudden stopping in minor aisle without concern for other aisle users: 3 pts
• Repeated attempts to force 2ft wide trolley through 1ft wide gaps (brushing people): 6 pts
• Repeated attempts to force 2ft wide trolley through 1ft wide gaps (brushing other trollies): 4 pts
• Rushing through junctions without checking for oncomming traffic: 3 pts
• Bringing trolley to ‘baskets only’ checkout: 9 pts
• Abandoning trolley in car park (blocking parked cars in): 6 pts
• Abandoning trolley in car park (blocking empty spaces): 4 pts
• Abandoning trolley in car park (blocking traffic): 3 pts

Of course, there are other offences. But I think those ones would do for a start.

Oh, the punishment? 12 points in any 12 month period and you can’t use a trolley for a year. You’d be confined to baskets.