Heh

Some random quoteage.

My home town Ballymena is at the centre of the universe. I know this, because everything is moving away from it at an equal rate.
Professor Stephen Hawkjet, Ballymena

How true that is…

A teacher was explaining how a double negative, when spoken, always gives a positive. ‘This,’ he said, ‘is true in every language accross the world. However, there is no example in any culture where a double positive gives a negative!’ Looking proud, the teacher sits down, and there’s a short silence, followed by a sarcastic voice: ‘Yeah, right.’
Sam, Somerset

‘Dumb blonde’ is a peroxymoron.
John

I just read a report that stated that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
A Scott, Edinburgh

Rudolph, from Russia, was a student studying in Minsk. At the end of term he was due to travel home to Moscow for the holidays, with his fellow students, by train. Whilst on the train and in need of refreshment, Rudolph’s friend Vlad ordered some Tuborg from the refreshment carriage and gave them out to his friends on his return. Rudolph took one sip, stood up, slid the window open and leapt to his death to which one his astonished friends added… “of course we forgot… Rudolph The Red Loathes Train Beer”
Binks, Bristol

Victor Hugo once said, you can prevent the invasion of armies, but not the invasion of ideas. What he really meant to say was, you can prevent the invasion of armies, unless you’re French.
Anna Bartlett

All these talking machines are getting me down. My car tells me to put my seatbelt on, my fridge tells me to shut the door and my table lamp tells me to go out and kill people.
Matt Smith

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