I’m sure that everyone is well aware of the nature of workplace gossip. Someone is seen talking to someone else, and all of a sudden the grapevine is awash with the possible baby names. Very tedious horseshit for those involved, but it can provide endless amusement for the simple folk who have nothing to do with it, but can take the piss without fear of retribution. Like, in this instance, the simple fool wot writes this weblawgerry.

So, there was me, offering up helpful comments to the offended parties as they busied themselves apportioning blame (“What did you say to ‘em, you dozy wench?” “I sez nuffin ya big gype! Wha did you say?” etc). Hey, what could I do; they had their discussion at the door I had to stand at, and I’d be damned if I was going to let a piss taking opportunity like that slide by…

But Karma, she is a fickle beast. And thus it was that five minutes later, one of the basic background bodies appeared from the bar:

Here, Ed, you’ve been shagging X. Any tips? ‘cos I wanna get at her!

“Ex-squeeze me? I’ve been doing who-what-now? With yer one who left the country months ago?”

Aye, sure we all saw her getting into your car, man! We know!

“Hang on, I give a girl a lift home (OK, twice, but that’s not important right now), and all of a sudden there’s been bedplay involved? How did I miss that?”

Ed, stop acting the twat. We know, and if you’re not at her now, at least tell me how I can get in there!

At which point, dear reader, I must confess that patience was lost, and harsh words were said, and perhaps small pointless acts of violence were carried out. For several reasons:

• I don’t like people gossiping about me. Even less so when it’s horseshit that they’re talking.
• It’s commons knowledge that I suck at the reading of signs, but I definitely didn’t see any opportunity of such behaviour at the time. Was I wrong? Did this 17 year old prick see something in X‘s behaviour that implied such behaviour? And now I’m second guessing things that happened months ago, dammit!
• Also as mentioned in the past, I am not the best at offering advice on how to deal with the ladies. But even if I was the font of all knowledge in that area, then the absolute last person that I’d ever share that knowledge with was the one asking the question. Hell, there are permanent marks on his face from where the night vision gear sits, night after night.

Luckily enough, the small acts of violence persuaded the fella to go away. Leaving me to enjoy the one sided bitching about office gossip from the female of the piece at the start of the post. Which I continued to regale with bad sarcasm and silly comments.

DAMN YOU, KARMA! You can take my piece of mind, but you’ll never take my mind from the gutter!