Updated for the modern era

To quote from Humph:

Though many of these rhymes may appear to us today to be little more than nonsense, they are in fact full of useful tips for the age in which they were written; one such rhyme for example is a stern warning against the consequences of placing sleeping babies in the upper branches of trees during windy weather. Another paints a disturbing picture of domestic life in a shoe for a single parent with too many children.

And lo and behold, a set of updated rhymes appeared in the ol’ email inbox. For your delectation, please to click on the more

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It’s Raining, It’s Pouring.
Oh sh*t, it’s Global Warming.

Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
‘What have u got there?’
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you d * ckhead.

Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ar* e
and turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it’s black and crispy.

It’s a service I provide: mindlessly cut’n’pasting the best of the inbox…

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