You know, people keep saying that life in prison is easy. No expenses, three squares a day, all the cable television you can handle. But it’s not all fun and games. You have to get in, for a start, and that’s not as easy as it sounds.

Back In The Day™, you could be sent to gaol (and a lifetime of feeding at the expense of Her Maj) for any number of things. Murder, arson, failing to doff your cap at your social betters, sticking your tongue out at a picture of Kitchener, now having a moustache, having a ‘tache but not having a good enough one… Any of these could and would have you living the life of Mr Bridger from the Italian Job.

Now, what with the Idiotic Judges Of Today™, none of that is true. No, murderers are now given fifteen minutes community service, arsonists are given funding towards an art degree and a box of matches, and as for the standards of facial hair these days, the less said the better.

So how then is someone supposed to get into their Prison of choice? It requires thought, planning, ingenuity, and above all getting as many offences in in the one incident as possible.

As can best be explained through the use of an example.

The Australian man who was last year pulled for driving at 147km/h (91 mph) in a Holden SV6 packed with 5kg of cannabis, two dope plants, a couple of drug pipes and a loaded .22 rifle, and admitted to cops he’d filmed himself masturbating while driving at 150km/h has, unsurprisingly, been jailed.

A perfect example; hitting all the numbers that nanny so dislikes: weaponry, fast cars, narcotics and improper/lewd behaviour. One would assume that our hero had achieved his aim: long term living in the best accommodation that the Northern Territories has to offer.

However, one would assume incorrectly. For, despite his frankly heroic attempt, he has got a mere three year sentence.

Good effort, Mr Australian Dude, but you’ll have to try harder than that…

—
All ™s in this piece are held by Daily Mail Newspapers, Inc.